• Everything I will never say

    by  • March 5, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 0 Comments

    Dear R.
    I’m sitting here at work on my meal break, looking out of the window and thinking of you. I seem to spend most of my time these days thinking about you, I wonder if you think of me as much? I go through phases of being secure in how you feel about me, well as secure as anybody could be in our situation. Right now I’m not in the slightest bit secure … and I’m trying desperately to leave it, not to fish for the comments/compliments/reassurances which I need and which generally you don’t give. Maybe that’s because you think you don’t need to, you think I know how you feel … or maybe it’s because you don’t actually care as much as I think you do/hope you do/desperately wish you did. You rarely ever message me unless I contact you first, which I usually do eventually though wonder how long it would be before you contacted me if I left it. If I do message you I usually just get an emoji of varying sorts in reply, I guess that should be enough but it’s not. Maybe it’s the female/male divide but I can’t help feeling that you’ve changed again recently. I wish I could talk to you about it all but there never seems to be a good time. I try not to react when I feel you’re brushing me off, but I can’t help it and then you get cross with me (like you probably are now). I then spend ages beating myself up mentally afterwards that I came across too needy, too paranoid or too intense. Christ it’s been 4 years, I should be sure of how you feel about me! Why aren’t I? Mainly because you’ve never actually told me … you’ve hinted at it, skirted around it … but never actually told me and I’m too scared to ask, maybe in case you won’t tell me or maybe in case you just don’t feel that strongly about me. How could this be something casual and shallow when we’ve been through so much? I want to just ask you “please just tell me if you love me”? Why don’t you ever think to send me silly little messages telling me you’re thinking of me, you’ve said in the past that you think of me all the time but it doesn’t seem that way any more. I just need to hear it sometimes, I need you and I wish you understood how important it is to me to know you need me too, that you miss me and that you love me (if you do?) Why can’t you do those things just because you know it makes me feel better? I don’t think it’s much to ask, but then again I don’t want to ask as I don’t want you to force it. I’m worried if I try to discuss all of this with you that you will get cross and shut off, but I’m starting to wonder if I should let go? If you knew how it was making me feel and how much I love you, would it change things? I’m wondering if that’s what you want deep down, for me to let go and that would be an easy way out for you? You’ve never made any excuses not to see me before. I feel like crying, I miss you and I love you and I feel really lonely when you seem so distant. I don’t know what to say … except please let me know that you do care, is this/us worth anything to you? You showed me this site, I wish you were here now, even though I’m not brave enough to tell you all of this. Txxx

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