L, where are you?
Am I nothing to you?
I’m wasting away…
Missing you so much…
Life goes on, I know,
but you were and are so special to me,
really the apple of my eye.
In despairing moments,
I poured my heart out to you,
now I sit here,
feeling like the boy who cried wolf,
like when I told you I loved you,
you think I was lying.
It hurt me so deep down,
when you told me those words.
“You never loved me.”
Girl, I loved, and still love you,
so much, it was overflowing…
It left me paralyzed.
I didn’t know what to do.
I was scared of how deeply I felt for you.
I am still scared of how deeply I feel for you.
I write this from afar,
as you know,
I have always been respectful of your space,
of your security,
never once have I pushed past when I knew,
it was the time for me to walk away.
Now, it is always from afar,
I wish it never had come to this.
I feel so small,
and Jupiter has been laughing at me,
I love you.
I was never lying.
Every text from you,
every Facebook message,
I felt like a Goddess was talking to me…
You are my Goddess,
and I have worshiped you,
and will always worship you.
You are such a beautiful woman,
with a beautiful soul and a good heart, deep down.
I know you have been hurt.
I know we both hurt each other.
I know that my pride ate me alive,
and I acted so wrongly during the years,
that we were in complete disconnect.
I am so regretful of my actions,
and I yearn for redemption.
I don’t know why I keep coming here…
I just want to lay it all down,
I know that I must be happy in myself,
to be in a relationship.
You said that yourself, and it is golden,
If we are being real though,
let me tell you this.
The one day, that ONE day,
that I saw you last year, in person,
that day? Remember that day?
Inside, behind my shy, cowardly shell,
my very fucking soul was smiling.
The kind of feeling like,
like being really stoned,
with no paranoia,
but sober, crystal clear.
Happiness… The happiest I had been in years,
just walking alongside you,
sitting beside you, catching up,
filling in lost time, that we had missed.
You hadn’t aged a day, in 3 years.
You are a Goddess.
Girl, that day I put in a special place.
Seeing your face again.
My heart is sitting in my throat,
as I write this.
I long to hold you, kiss you,
cuddle you, release all this love inside me,
protect you, respect you,
make things right.
You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up,
and the last thing on my mind before I sleep.
You are so special to me.
I have let myself go,
physically, and mentally,
although I do have my music career,
which is now and over the last couple of years,
starting to become a reality,
so I have not forsaken my work,
in pining over you,
but I must say,
everything around me is decaying,
losing it’s shine,
and the joy you brought into my life,
although I do distract myself,
with temporary pleasures,
that real and sacred joy,
has not been matched.
You have been the motivation and inspiration,
and always will. You are at the core of it all.
I want to share with you,
I want to grow with you.
I love you, L.