• The times, they are a changin’

    by  • March 3, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    A month ago, I never could have imagined any of this.

    Like at all.

    I was supposed to be up there with you. After a year and a half of pining for you, and utter heart break with the distance, this was supposed to be our big hoorah.

    And then I fucked that up. For myself, at least. I am so very happy that you are able to spread your wings and experience new opportunities..

    Without me. I am a little bitter, don’t get me wrong. But I made this mistake, and now I have to deal with whatever happens; and it scares me to death.

    What if this keeps me from being with you? What will happen to us? After continuously having to say good bye time and time again, will I have to do it for good? I’m scared that this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. That you won’t want this anymore. I don’t and can’t know the outcome. The first hurdle comes on Friday.

    C, I’m having a hard time staying positive. I want to just give up. This is so hard for me. Us aside, I’m terrified of what this could end up doing to me. The money, the actual statement. Things changed so suddenly and now literally everything is up in the air.

    It’s hard not to think ahead and to think of the worst. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. The vicious voice in my head keeps bringing the self loathing and self doubt to obsessively think of the worst possible out comes. It hurts.

    This was my dream, too. I was in heavy doubt right before you got here because I was scared. Now I know that I want it more so than anything else in this world, and I may have done something to make that all go up in smoke. Please forgive me if it doesn’t work out as planned.

    Add in the stress of financial worries and the now looming (second, I might add) divorce, and quite frankly I’m a wreck. So many different emotions and feelings. My mind is racing. I feel selfish worrying about my own problems. Then I think how the divorce will impact me. Going through it as an adult and actually knowing the intricacies of it all just makes it worse. That the last remaining physical tie to a formative part of my child-hood and entrance into the adult world is now cut off. It darkens the memories of “home”. There will be no more trips to idaho, rides on the farm. Reunions with friends from “home”.

    I’m scared for Mom. I hope she’ll be able to bounce back from this one and not pitch completely over the edge.

    Everything happens for a reason, right? Is that just an excuse people use to justify happenings they don’t like or approve of?

    In my own life, whatever happens I need to accept and or work with/around. The first stage of responsible actions have been taken. One month left to see the final out come, and you have done what you can to adequately prepare for it. At least one is not going into this completely unprepared, or alone.

    Good luck, to all parties involved. And, cheesy enough, may the odds be ever in your favor.

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