I’ve been avoiding this site for a few days, because whenever I come here I get sucked back into wanting to be with you. I scan every letter hoping that it’s from you. Sometimes I’m strong and can let go but other times I’m weak and I long to hear from you again. It reminds me of the song gravity by Sara bareilles. Over the past couple days and weekend I remembered some things that made me doubt my worth. You. I remember how we had talked about telling my parents about us. You said that it wouldn’t work and that they would never let us be together. I convinced you that my parents would warm up to you. You agreed to tell them. Then the day that we were supposed to meet up and tell my parents you never showed up. Then there was church. You said you would meet me there and we would go together. I waited for you. Church service was over and you never showed up. Then a day later you told me that you would never leave me. A few hours later you said you would stop writing here and that you were leaving and never coming back. I should have just let you go then. But somehow I always came back to you. Like tonight I started doubting my self worth. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough for you. Maybe I should have been different in some way and it would have made you stay. But tonight I realized again that it was you not me. I don’t know how to let you go. Sometimes I think I have and then you reel me back in and I’m lost in the thought of you. I can’t promise that I won’t stop loving you or ever stop thinking about you but I will stop doubting my self worth and realize that I deserve a man who will not be afraid to announce to the world and my parents that we are dating. I deserve a man who will show up and want to go to church with me. I deserve a man who will be committed and want to stay with me.
Slowly letting go but not there yet.