To the the men who loved me in the worst way,
I don’t know why I’m talking about the past. I blame myself for a lot of my problems, and sometimes I blame other people, but really it’s the relationships we hold onto that can fuck us up. It takes two.
I held onto the guilt for weeks, even months. I cheated. I cheated on the one person who ever loved me. Was it really cheating if I didn’t ask for it? Could I have been cheating even when I was saying no? But I didn’t fight hard enough, I didn’t push him away. I shouldn’t have been in his room anyway. “Just one more time, you know you still want it”. And you were all I had I found comfort in your criticism and a use because it was everything I was used to. I fucked you out of anger, to get it over with, to prove a point.
I let you treat me like shit be sad I told myself all the mean comments you made it me were just out of honesty. It was what everyone else thought, you were just the only one willing to say it.
“You’d be hotter if…..”
“Why are you so useless in bed why don’t you try doing something other than just lying there?”
“What you don’t want to eat it because you’re on a diet or something? …. See I knew you’d eat it you don’t have any self control”
“You’re a cold hearted bitch and you don’t care about anyone”
“Trying to get back with him? He doesn’t love you he just wants to fuck you because he can’t get anything better”
…..Don’t leave me, I didn’t mean it. I love you, I love you, I love you….
You humiliated me. You lied to me. You ruined my ability to trust. You set my self worth back years. You isolated me. Ruined my first semester. You used me. You forced yourself on me, and made me blame myself. You harassed me for months after I left you and I wish I could go back in time and report you and ruin your life.
Worst part is, you made me hate myself for being with you. I’ll never be able to identify with being the girl who let someone own her. But that’s all I’ll ever be to you and to anyone who knew us.
Our relationship disgusts me. I thought I was familiar with fights. Hell, I could get him to start one over anything and twist it so it wasn’t my fault. But you were different. You took me to a whole new level. Making my blood boil, trapping me, saying exactly what would hurt the most. I couldn’t leave, you’d hold it against me. I remember nearly crying because I could never win the argument that was letting me go home and have my own bed for the night. Grabbing my wrists and begging me, shutting the door and insisting until I had no fight left.
Do you remember leaning on me, playing around to see who was stronger? But your eyes went serious and I learned I wasn’t stronger. “You know I could actually keep you here whenever I want, right”.
….he’s just joking…
But thats when I started repressing my fear.
You’re the reason I pull away when someone would hold me closer. Why I think everything is possessive behavior. Your words that I never let go of help me think I’m not good enough.
And because of you, I idolized my failure of an ex. Confusing his minimal efforts for something amazing. In comparison to you, he was perfect. And then I was back with him, let’s see how it goes the third time around.
And then I was back with him, second choice to everything. An object…”you belong in my life, that’s why we need to be together”, regardless of where I thought I belonged.
I tried to convince myself he fit in my future. This man who is such a good person – the selfishness is just a phase.
I blamed myself for him not caring about me. It’s because I’m too quiet, and too closed off. I’m not being fair, he can’t know anything is wrong unless I explicitly tell him, right?
But you left me emotionally. You couldn’t have conversations with me because you had nothing to say, and weren’t there to listen whenever I did. You couldn’t hear about my success. I know your depression was bad, but you wouldn’t talk about that, and you wouldn’t hear what was going on with me, so there was nothing left. Or so you said.
And then when my mentality got bad you couldn’t help me. I would stay up until the early hours of the night just listening to your anxieties and hoping you were ok. I remembered everything going on with you, reminded you to take care of yourself. And then when I’d start to talk about me I would just hear a pause on the phone and know you were hitting it, and soon after would be too tired to be of any use for me. “I love you” wasn’t enough.
And I would lie to myself every day, thinking that we would be together in the long run because you’d stop being obsessed with drugs and you’d aspire of do something other than dealing.
And the biggest thing that I ever did was tell you that you had no right to tell me where I belonged. It was the first time I didn’t follow your plans just because you had decided that you wanted me again.
“Why aren’t things the same anymore. It’s like your my therapist or something. You say you’ll always be here but YOU never come to ME. I feel like a problem to you. Jackie. You don’t care, you’re like a fucking robot. How are you so casual about all of this, when I don’t see anything but us being together in the future. I don’t want anyone else and you act like you don’t want the same thing but I know you do. It’ll be different this time. I need you. You belong in my life.”
I’m just a fucking robot what do you want with me anyway.
And you were right, I wasn’t living. I was going through the motions. Doing everything for a future self, in case she was happy I would have at least paved a path for her with good grades, perfect body, enough fake friends, guys who I had lead on to the point where they anticipated something great I’d never give them….and a forced smile for however long it could last.
I shut off the part of me who could feel happiness. Not wanting to be looking for something that could get taken away.
If anyone was soposed to see it, you would have been the one. You learned to read me..my anger, my manipulation, every vulnerability I wore across my face. You knew this. At least you thought you did. I hid from you, and I didn’t try to fix us when we were breaking. I left you emotionally when you stopped giving me the love I deserved. We were a hopeless future, but I loved you anyway. When I withdrew it wasn’t because of you, but I still like to blame you for watching my fire burn out and blowing out the last of the flames.
Sometimes I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel my body or my mind. I can’t read the emotions of others, and if I can I can’t related to them because my own are broken. I get so fucking depersonalized and all I can think is “im a robot. I’m not real”
And it hurts to know that I can hurt someone like this. When all I tried to do was feel. And when I thought I could.
And now I do feel and sometimes I’m terrified that it will all go away. And I can’t appreciate what I have because I can’t feel it. It hasn’t happened yet but that if it does.
I’ve been programmed to serve..to listen and anticipate.
My machinery begs that I protect myself. Why am I being vulnerable, how did I let myself fall in love. I hate myself for thinking that it’s flawed. All I’ve been told is “he doesn’t really want you”.
All I’ve known is for someone to leave me or trap me. Nothing or everything.
I can feel now. Happy and scared. It’s all good but latent with the idea that nothing will last forever. My system might shut down. Scanning for the danger zones…I hope there isn’t one to find.
Because I can’t do this again.
I’ve been wrong when I thought things were good. But I’ve I’m wrong this time then I have no idea what good could possibly feel like.
I just need to remind myself that no one can break me. I’m not broken.