its been a couple week since I’ve known you through the net. we talked all day long about everything , you are always be the first person i talked to ever since i open my eyes in the morning and also the last person i talk to before i go to sleep, and countless time i fell asleep when I’m talking to you. one day you told me that you wanted to call me, i was so nervous because i have never been on the phone with a GUY, but then I’m thinking why not give it a shoot and see how it went, we end up talking 6 hours nonstop on the phone, you and me. i always like hearing your voice and the way you told me your story , lots of funny story makes my heart beat. you also told me everything and that you want to meet me and do lots of stuff with me, this is the first time ever i receive such things from a guy and you have no idea how happy i was. i like you because you make me comfortable and end up open up about everything i was never been able to share with anyone and like how you told me everything about yourself too, like everything and i like you because your honesty. you say this is the first time ever you feel connected to a girl and just so you know this is my first time too. in a short time, i feel like I’ve known you forever and suddenly you’re not a stranger anymore for me. you share your deep secret to me and how the last 2 years was the darkest time for you, i cried. i shed a tear but i don’t want to let you know that. i always have known there is much much much more people out there who has been through some worst stuff than me , but this is my first time ever to actually hear it from someone who actually been through that. i have never imagine how was your life and how you feel so alone at that time, it must be really hard for you and yet you can’t shared that with your friends because you always appear as this strongest guy in front of anyone. i wanted to hugged you so bad and tell you that I’m here that I’m listening even though i don’t know what to do. i really am, i wanted to take care of you. and I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you because you can get up and be the better version of yourself without anyone’s help. you told me too about all of your exes who only want to be with you because of your money, i feel bad so bad. that time i knew, you really are lonely. i feel like i just want to punch all of your previous someone , how can they do that and how come they didn’t realise what you’ve been through and help you right away. i’m still confused, i don’t know what to do. that’s why i turned off my phone since yesterday, i don’t know what to do about my feelings because i hate you too. why did you always go when things got bad? why don’t you stay? and i don’t know if i should keep this feeling for you or if i should let it go before I’m falling too deep. and I’m sorry too, I’m not that kind of girl you can sleep with. no, because I’m planning to give it away to my future husband and that makes me feel bad. because I’m no good for you, i feel like you can get any girl you want because you are perfect and i don’t think you should waste your time with me. I’m not worth it, I’m not worth your time. but then again deep inside, i care about you. all of these things…. i feel like my head gonna blow up. and then you do care about me too, you listen to my story and how I’ve been through some pretty dark time too and you told me that you are proud of me too. that’s when i realise, we are just lonely soul … a good souls hiding under those layer of protection. we fucked up together. and we are both fragile souls, now tell me, what should i do?
1 march 2015, hippo