I was texting with him when you texted me. It has been almost a year. Almost a year. 338 days…
I don’t know how to respond. I knew this day would come. I prayed for it. I missed you, And no matter how small of a contact it may have been, I wanted it. I wanted to resolve the aching in my gut knowing you are thinking about me too. And you did. You were. You are.
I was glad I was texting with him when your text came through. We were planning our next rendezvous. I am able to do some of the things with him that I was never able to do with you. He gave me unconditional acceptance and opened my mind to the way a relationship could be.
You had me feeling so unforgivable for not being a naturally non-monogamous individual. Yet you lied to me and cheated on me when the offer to bring another girl into our relationship was on the table all along, at least as a threesome. The truth was all I cared about.
The love we shared was a very rare kind of love. The kind of love that only comes along once in a lifetime.
I have a feeling that you are beginning to realize this now… Actually, I think you realized that before I left. You did ask me to marry you, after all. However, I could almost tell you exactly what happened to you this past year… You dated a string of women, many of whom were recently divorced, own a home and who are generally financially secure. Ultimately, you grew bored with these women. They were all predictable and the sex was not so great. And then there were those women on the side. Those girls you picked up randomly to sleep with; the bar flys and crazy chicks). You would sleep with them when the newness of the safe, secure (arena undoubtedly kind) woman wore off, carefully managing both until something exploded in your face or someone demanded more. Then you would carefully concoct a story, blame the woman (or both women) and leave. Yep, I have you down.
Inside, you would grow angry and frustrates that nothing worked out and that these women didn’t get you. You would grow itchy and melancholy for me and my presence in your life. You would/are still wondering why you miss me, why you still have feelings for me. Why you love me.
That is because I get you. I know you. I know all of your wounds and hidden parts, all of the ugliness you try to hide from the world. And I know all of your beauty too.
I miss the beauty. I don’t miss the pain. And I am glad, so very glad that tonight I was planning my next rendezvous with him, too busy to answer you, to think of you…
You know, on my way into the restaurant tonight, I thought about how almost all of our problems could have been avoided if you were honest and didn’t lay blame, if only you had come to me. I think the answer could have been as simple as a change in our relationship status, one that allowed us both to be open, to explore things, life, together.
You are my soulmate,and there are nights when I wake up and it takes me a second to remember where I am. Nights when I can still remember the smell of your house and feel my feet padding down your hall. And god, the sex, I think about the sex all the time. He is good, the best I have had in many ways, but you are better. I still orgasms thinking about you.
I wish I could have sex with you, and have that be all that it is, but that would never work. We love each other too much.
And I pray, every single day, to fall in love again.