I remember telling you that I had never felt this way about anyone in my life, that was true. I remember telling you that you set my heart on fire, that was true. I remember telling you how much I loved you, that you were my everything, my turkey, my love…. And it was all true. It’s been 84 days since that day in December, the day you decided to tell me I wasn’t what you wanted, that we wanted different things, that you were numb and it was all a lie.
That you wanted to feel what you told me, but couldn’t.
I remember your touch, your taste, the way you smell and It makes me sick to think of the power you still have on me. This pain is so gut wrenching there are still days it brings me to my knees.
Remembering all of your pretty words, realizing they held no meaning.
Like how you ” just wanted to give my heart a break”, I guess it’s ironic, because that is exactly what you did.
And I still love you with every broken piece. You were my number 1, I wanted you, all of you, even the parts of yourself you hated. I still do, and it makes me furious because I know I deserve so much better.
Theres so much more to this story … So much I can’t say. But, it doesn’t even matter, because you don’t care. You can’t feel anything….. Because if you did, you would’ve fought for us.
I fought for you by risking everything for a chance to make this work, to give up everything I had, every bit of security stripped on the hope that you meant what you said … That you loved me and I was your world and I had your heart. You were so fucking in love with me and then you werent, or you never were.
I question every memory. They are all tainted, and you can’t even tell me the truth.
You can’t tell me what I already know. You can’t tell me that I meant nothing to you and mean nothing to you and you don’t think about me or miss me or ever want to see me again. I don’t creep into your thoughts or invade your fucking sleep. I am not a constant reminder of the one who got away…. I am not like anyone you’ve ever met, because like all of them, I didn’t leave. You left me, sitting in a pool of my own tears, laughing at what a joke I was for actually believing you, for actually opening up enough to fucking love you. You snapped your fingers and just like that you didn’t have to pretend anymore.
I truly hope you fund happiness, but first, I hope you remember me, the girl you would’ve walked across the sea for you… But you found another love and I can’t compete with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, who isn’t real and can’t hurt you. I can’t compete with someone not willing to invest 100% of themselves to you ….
All I can do is pray this fades.
I’ll write again in 84 more days