• Just you – always

    by  • February 24, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Thinking back to how it was in the beginning I remember lots of little things; looks, chats, a hug at the end of a night out when we were drunk and didn’t really care what people said, flirting then backing off. Then that night, that night which started it all off … late night conversations online and amazing nights together but in the early days I was so nervous around you, couldn’t relax though I tried to and wanted to, never sure what was happening and whether you would still want me the next day or whether you would cut me off again. I hated those months without you, but you came back and things seemed to shift a bit after a while, there was still time apart but I felt different (less nervous, more comfortable to be myself with you)and you seemed different, closer. In the beginning I recall telling you I thought I was falling for you … you backed off of course. I was crazy about you, but it wasn’t love and couldn’t have been at that time though I was drifting around in my happy but precarious pink cloud. Eventually though when I started feeling closer to you, probably a couple of years ago … the idea of ‘love’ started to scare me. I told myself I didn’t, wouldn’t fall, wouldn’t love and for a while it worked and I shut out the prospect of that happening. But there was a day, last year sometime I think, when it hit me like a tonne of bricks. The lightening bolt wasn’t the feeling, it was the realisation … that I love you. I remember sitting with my head in my hands thinking “shit, what the hell am I going to do now”. I often wonder now if you love me too, you’ve almost said it; hinted at it and I feel that your eyes say it when we are lying together. Making love with you is like nothing on earth I’ve ever felt before, but I would feel too embarrassed to tell you that in case it’s not the same for you. I love you, but I’m too scared to say it first, last time we discussed our feelings you said you were scared of making it real, that it would change things. But how can you change things that already are? There’s another shift going on though for me, a massive one that even tops the ‘loves me, loves me not’ question … I want to be with you, I want to go to sleep and wake up beside you, wherever you go I want you to come home to me afterwards. I’m starting not to care about the mess it would cause, I just want you for always. I wish I knew what you were thinking and what you want, the truth not the censored or sensible version. Even if it’s only ever a dream and all we ever do is talk about it I wish I knew whether you think about it too. Where do you see us in 5 or 10 years time? I know these are things I will never tell you or ask you, but I needed to put it in writing to make sense of it. All I want though right now is for you to hold me and tell me you love me, for now that would be enough xxx

    Leave a Reply