Had a dream last night. First time in months Ive dreamt about you. Its sad because that seems to be the only way I can be with you.
Unfortunately this wasnt some lovely dream of us walking hand in hand through what I imagine our backyard would look like. I dont remember really anything, except I saw you kissing a girl.
Talk about “my fucking nightmare.” Im sure you could understand why I feel that way.
Im trying to be consistent, in my feelings and emotions. But old hurts keep resurfacing. Without your physical presence to keep them at bay, I vacillate back and forth, like a ship caught in a storm. She loves me; nope Ive just imagined that. Shes out there wanting to be with me; nope she moved on with her life so long ago. Shes waiting to give herself to me; nope she already has a lover, for years now.
Its so exhausting. I can endure, I think, but life seems so hollow without you in it. And the idea that I could go on in perpetuity, believing you feel the same, when perhaps your actions were truly indicative of your feelings (lack thereof) and that you think of me not…its really disheartening.
It would be so much easier maintaining that I dont want to move on from you (and I dont) if I knew…really knew…that you felt the same.