• Vacillation

    by  • February 22, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    Had a dream last night. First time in months Ive dreamt about you. Its sad because that seems to be the only way I can be with you.

    Unfortunately this wasnt some lovely dream of us walking hand in hand through what I imagine our backyard would look like. I dont remember really anything, except I saw you kissing a girl.

    Talk about “my fucking nightmare.” Im sure you could understand why I feel that way.

    Im trying to be consistent, in my feelings and emotions. But old hurts keep resurfacing. Without your physical presence to keep them at bay, I vacillate back and forth, like a ship caught in a storm. She loves me; nope Ive just imagined that. Shes out there wanting to be with me; nope she moved on with her life so long ago. Shes waiting to give herself to me; nope she already has a lover, for years now.

    Its so exhausting. I can endure, I think, but life seems so hollow without you in it. And the idea that I could go on in perpetuity, believing you feel the same, when perhaps your actions were truly indicative of your feelings (lack thereof) and that you think of me not…its really disheartening.

    It would be so much easier maintaining that I dont want to move on from you (and I dont) if I knew…really knew…that you felt the same.


    5 Responses to Vacillation

    1. Dear E
      February 22, 2015 at 11:49 pm

      I know what you are going through. It’s hard when you are in love with someone and it just doesn’t seem like you can get through to them how you feel. Just a couple of weeks ago I realized that if he really wanted to be with me he would be by my side doing everything in his power to show his love to me. The answer I got back was utter and complete silence. I finally had to face the truth that he wasn’t coming back and that he had moved on. I finally let him go. It was the hardest thing to do, but love isn’t always easy. My hope for you is that you find peace. My friend told me once that until I closed one door another one could not be opened. Sometimes I want to hang on but I have to keep reminding myself that in order for me to find peace and happiness I must let go. Only you can decide what you really need and want and what makes you happy. I have confidence that you will find the answer in your heart. Whatever you choose I will back you up. Love, A

    2. Ps
      February 23, 2015 at 12:53 am

      U haven’t dreamed of her in months? That’s odd. I dream about him all the time and most of the time it’s really warm type dreams.

    3. I know
      February 24, 2015 at 7:01 pm

      the answer to all three and it is her.

      Time flies by, and my dreams fade with it. Its been nearly 10 months

    4. Dear E
      February 25, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      I don’t get what u said….

    5. re
      February 25, 2015 at 11:40 pm

      “only you can decide what you really need and want and what makes you happy.”

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