So, I suppose I’m supposed to feel comfortable with us now. I suppose that I should feel even happier and more content with you and where we are headed. Instead, I feel uneasy and upset. Really, reassurance feels like you’re placating my feelings…. It’s hard not to believe that you’re pulling away, even though there is little evidence that you are…. Here come my insecurities.
To be honest… I am afraid that I am becoming wallpaper to you. I am afraid this is the beginning of me becoming wallpaper to you. Wallpaper – where my feelings do not exist, where my opinions do not exist, where I do not exist. Wallpaper – where I only exist to feed your ego. Wallpaper – where you take, take, take when you want, want, want, and where I am paralyzed. Where I am spent. Where you use me up and ask for more, more, more. My last relationship was like that. It took me forever to leave, and my ex still tries to take, take, take. I was so drained. He felt like a brick wall. Nothing got past his own needs – he saw nothing but himself. I kept thinking if I tried to give him all he wanted, he would see past himself and see me, see us as a couple, but I was just a dying organ. Wallpaper. I cut ties after I let it go on too long. I can’t give that much of myself again. I can’t become wallpaper again.
I will try to believe you when you tell me that you’re not going anywhere, that you’re not a dick, that you’re invested, too. But a small part of me does not trust you, does not believe you.