its this time of year again when I feel the need to write maybe not to you, or anyone in particular but most of the time it comes back to you, its always about you.
I feel the need to write I don’t even know what about yet I kinda just let the words flow and see what I have written at the end I don’t write here anymore but I feel the need to tonight.
So today I sit wondering what I’m doing with my life I am bored with my life and I should be traveling the world having fun with friends back packing around Thailand or something but I’m not I’m stuck with hardly any money living my mundane life still and although I love my life I’m bored of it.
I enjoyed our conversation today it cleared the air a little on both sides maybe because u thought I thought that you were a bitch because u have a tenancy to ignore me at certain times of the week we won’t go into when but we both know and I don’t I get it in a way. But and this is a big ole but …I don’t I can’t put into words how much you mean to me I’ve tried lots of times and end up looking crazy weird or completely puppy dog crush in love with u.
I am I am so in love with you that you could do anything to me say anything and I would still love you I can’t help it you for one know that you can’t help your feelings and that is how it is with me I still crave your attention so badly it gets to me sometimes I still get jealous at the thought of u going out with (her) like tomorrow I know your going out with (her) but I won’t show that I’m jealous or that I wish it was me that was coming out with you
(even know I hate going out out) I just wish it was me spending time with u and I get jealous that u and her probably have a lot of fun , fun that I wish you were having with me instead.
I know that when u said to me about how u were feeling jealous and it makes u angry I can really fucking relate to that because that is how I am when I think about you and her in a way.
I really love you, and it pains me to think of you going through this bad time making yourself ill in the process I really hope you don’t become to sad because you don’t deserve it. Your kind hearted your fucking awesome and you would do anything for anyone.
I really miss you and truth be told I didn’t want to leave at all I had no choice it wasn’t down to me I would stay forever if I could I have my own regrets like how we were talking today about feeling guilty about shit thats happened in our lives and regrets and my regret is leaving you behind and moving away because that is one of the things that turned my life upside down I didn’t realise how much it would bother me leaving you until it was to late and I couldn’t turn back the clock things changed but luckily not between us we grew closer and became more so friends than I could have imagined we would have. And although I wish we were more than friends I am happy just being your friend because relationships come and go but true friendship can last a lifetime and that is what I want you in my life till I’m dead and then u have to play all my funeral songs lol or vise versa.
That’s why I’m glad we had that little chat today because I had to get it off my chest that I think sometimes we are drifting apart but then I have to come back to reality and realise I’m just fucked up and insecure.
I read some of my old letters on here from back in 2013 and wow I sound so crazy I let everything get to me maybe one day you will get the chance to read them because u will realise that in time although everything seems so bad and that it’s never going to end or get any better it does ..I’ve showed u a sneak peak odrink a couple of letters but I’ve never really showed u all of them because I really do sound crazy I was at a time in my life when I needed help I was so depressed and although it was the rejection that set it all in motion and it did change me I am not the same person I was before.
I still have ups and downs on a weekly/ daily basis we both know what it’s like we talk about our ups and downs enough …but Im good now and that’s what I want u to know the storm doesn’t last forever u will get over that person eventually.. I’ve told u all this over text in the hours and hours we talk anyway its nothing new.. anyways I don’t really know what to say I’ve had my pointless ramble tonight and apart from saying that I love you and I have buried my feelings for you which I’m kinda guessing you already know it’s still there I love u so fucking dearly I’m just good at hiding it thsee days like before when u reckon you never even knew that I was in love with you.
I wish u lived next door or even in the same street or same town or even the same county but u don’t and I’m the one to blame for that that day we were on our way back from shopping and we were laughing and thenew I started to cry it was the truth I miss that the days of shopping and just spending time together doing nothing but having a laugh and even just a cuppa or watching TV or chilling I miss it all and when we spend time together now I really fucking cherish it Because as we both no one week om every 3 months is nothing being separated and only having Skype and txt and calls isn’t the same.
although sometimes I think we are like completely different people over txt to when we are in person presence and I get a little scared as to not show my emotions around u but I can’t help it sometimes when I look into ur eyes I know u can see that I love you Nd I stare hoping you feel the same way but that’s just wishes .. you are so beautiful I cant help look at u up and down in awe and i think u caught me looking when u were stood at a certain persons parents back door when u eere leaving i just blushed snd looked away .. somtimes the eye contact we mske is so strange its not the way friends look at eachother but maybe i read to much into it … I dream about u A LOT lately a lot more than usual which is kind of strange but hey they are just dreams and you are on my mind before I sleep so maybe that is why.
Love you always your (best friend)
My code name is abbieberry
you know my email if you do happen to read this then you will know it’s definitely me and we’ll I accidentally on purpose gave u that email for a reason. Work it out