• the most stressful secret

    by  • February 18, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments

    It has been five years since your father and I lost you. There is not a day that passes that you are not in the forefront of my mind. When we made the decision to keep you to ourselves we never thought it would be this difficult. We thought protecting our family from the pain of knowing about you when we knew we were going to lose you was the best decision. At the time it was, cancer is difficult enough to deal with but finding out your unborn child has a rare form was impossible to deal with at the time.

    Your daddy and I were dealing with matters that I would not wish upon anyone but no matter what you were and still are loved. We thought we would be together for a lifetime but the pain of losing you proved to push us apart. We used to have several states between us but now we are on opposite coasts.

    I have decided to work with families who have children that can be saved because we were not able to save you. It is incredibly difficult not telling your grandparents the truth of why this is so close to my heart. Daddy and I decided to keep you to ourselves all those years ago but it was no longer possible when I was faced with the reality that so many are going through when working with the families.

    It was comforting to share with other mom’s who are able to understand the difficult decisions that must be made, while also knowing that tomorrow is not a guarantee.

    It sobering to know what we missed out on with you, but most of all watching you grow up is the thing I miss the most. I know that you are being taken care of by those who watched me grow up and I know that there will be a day when my time here is done and I will be able to spend time with my darling baby.

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