I miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you. Sometimes I dream and try to remember how your face looks in front of me. I try to imagine you smiling at me. I imagine you touching me, kissing me, telling me how much I mean to you. I pretend/imagine that there is still a link between us, and I can still feel you, and make you feel me. I’m not sure if its real, but I hope it is. I want you to know how much I still think about you, and how sad I am that our feelings can’t be made real, our relationship can never be experienced. I listen to so many songs dedicated to you. The majority of my IPOD is about you. I spend nights where I just listen to the songs I have dedicated to you, and it makes me feel like our connection is still real. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have wanted to contact you so many times. It has been so hard. The only reason I haven’t contacted you is because I feel that it’s selfish on my part, and that it is hurting you. Another part of me tells me that you are hurting as much as me, and you want to hear from me, and then the other part of me says no, he wants to move on and forget you. You touched my heart in ways that no one else has, I have this continual sadness. It’s a longing. It’s like when the breeze blows, or there is a beautiful view, that’s what our love was like. There are times when I just want support and love, and I know that only you know how to give that to me. But your not here anymore, and you never will be. Does that stop me loving you? No it doesn’t. I feel like this is my sentence for loving someone else. For stealing love when I shouldn’t have. I don’t know where else to turn, I don’t know what else to do. Will contacting you change anything? Or will it make it worse? The only reason I won’t be contacting you is because it could make it worse for you. And I have put you through enough.
I feel helpless. I deleted your number because I thought it was best to move on, for both of us. And now I can’t find you. I can’t even find you through social media. It’s like you’ve disappeared from the face of the earth. Are you here so close to me, or have you moved? Are you happy and not thinking about me? (is this just my ego or real love??) I don’t know how I would feel if I saw you or if I was with you. Would it be earth shattering? Or would it confirm that we are not meant to be together. I’ve thought about it..I love you, there is no doubt. But when we had the chance to be together, it didn’t feel right, and I don’t know why. You are everything I have always wanted in my life. The love of someone who is spiritual, who loves me more than I love myself, who is passionate. You are every one of those. You are more. You are the first person I believe to be better than myself. Why wasn’t it enough? Was it because I wasn’t ready for your love? Did I need to learn more and knew this was my path? Has our story ended, or will it continue when its ready? So many questions, and I am left here to burn with a love that was given the opportunity to leave my body. What is sadder, never having the chance to express love, or having the chance and holding back. I believe the second. Having experienced both. At least in the first, there is optimism.
Our love was like thunder,
It was like the rolling sheets of rain
Passionate, grounded, real
You moved my compass
It’s no longer true North
Can a love be a regret?
My battle scars will follow me
But the sweetness of your smile
Will last forever