I know that if things begin again it must be on your own terms, I know you well enough to know that I cannot force you to do something or respond to me when I want/need it. It hurts me to know that someone who I placed all of my trust in could treat me as you have. Yet I must expect it, it is part of your game. You are one of my greatest loves and most painful heartaches. I wish I could just turn it off like you do, ignore the fact that you exist, disregard any of my feelings or thoughts about you. I have tried, with little success.
Again, I have told myself that you don’t deserve someone like me. You don’t deserve my kindness, my warm heart, my soft touch. You don’t deserve my thoughts of fondness, gentle embrace or thoughtful words. And as much as I know those words are true, as much as I tell myself this over and over again, I still yearn to be with you. I still need you and want you and miss you more than I could ever put into words.
Every day that goes by, every minute is one that goes by without you in my life and it kills me. This last run was pretty good, nine years and within the past four us getting really close. I can pretty much sense when the break is coming, feel you detaching from me. It makes me sad and hurt. I think it probably makes me even more clingy and needy and that in turn pushes you away more. I see it now. I probably end up being too much, and for someone who is trying to get some space, my behavior is the last thing that would help with that space.
But the issue is so much bigger than that, than just our relationship. For twenty years I have fought with myself, with my feelings for you, trying to deny my heart, write them off as feelings of need because of the state of my marriage and the lack of affection I was receiving there. But the fact of the matter is that I have felt the same way about you since I was 14, even before he was a thought, a presence in my life. At that age I did not even know that I could feel that way about someone, let alone another female until I met you. And no matter what you have said, continue to say, preach or ignore, I know that you have felt the same way about me. I can be more honest with myself. It has taken years, but I can finally admit to myself that I do have feelings for you that are stronger than a friendship, that you mean more to me than a friend, that I have been in love with you since I was 14. You have, since day one, been an active participant, instigator, tormentor and reciprocator. You ignore in defiance, believing that if I am not there if you have no connection with me than the feelings will go away, that the ache will dull and the need no longer will be there. You know that that is never going to happen.
You have done a great job keeping busy, using that as your crutch, placing as much responsibility as you possibly can on yourself to keep your mind busy, your heart distracted, you thoughts focused on the end game. Daily, you exist to take care of, to please, to forget. The interesting thing however is that feelings normally exist without mention, intention or deliberate action. How you feel, how you are has always fascinated me and frustrated me at the same time. You know what you are, who you are and how you feel, however it is so ingrained within your being that you are “supposed” to be a mother and a wife to your husband that you convince yourself there is no other way. And for you it actually works out because then working your “day job” keeps you so busy, it makes it easier to not think about how you are feeling.
I know you like the back of my hand. I know why you do what you do and what your thoughts are behind what you do or don’t do. I also know that when it gets to real, you run. When we get to close, you need space, when you feel too much you are done. It is easy to just be with him, you have done it for so long, it is your job, it is what you are supposed to do, who you are supposed to be. His wife. Their mother. Her daughter. You fill these roles without question, an automatic response as this is what your life is about and always has been. But the one thing that you never took into account, going way back when to things first started was the way that you would feel about me. The pull that I would have on you, the hold that I would have on your heart. You were not ready nor are you willing to accept how you feel about me, even now. Case in point, that is why we are where we are now.
You are so full of reasons, you have always been. You give me reason after reason of why you can’t do this, why I need a break from you, why you need a break from me, why you cannot take care of me the way that I need to be taken care of. If you were a friend, you would just do it. You would not abandon someone who is going through one of the hardest times in their life…because it was hard, because she was not doing what you told her she should be doing, because you didn’t have time. To me friends don’t come with time constraints. You act as if I would ask you to build me a house, hold my hand every day, drop whatever you were doing to be at my side. When the truth of the matter is that I never asked for that. There is only one time I do remember asking you to be at my side, it was when I was told that I would be having an immediate C-Section for Logan. I called you, upset, telling you what was going on, what was about to happen. You asked if I wanted you there and I told you yes. You told me that you would do what you could to be there but that you did not think it could happen…and I understood. I always have. You have five children. Five responsibilities that are more important than anything else in this world. I have never challenged this, nor have I asked you to ignore it. In fact, I would support you in this role and try and help, make things easier if I could. And I would offer help because I love you and your kids, not because I did not think you could handle it or because I wanted to do it myself. And to be honest, I believe you know this however it is so much easier to make me into a monster than to fully accept, who you are and how you feel.
I have always felt, and probably believed it to be the truth that you and I cannot just be friends. We quickly move to our comfortable place, a place that is so familiar to us, a place that comforts you and terrifies you at the same time. I am not quite sure what your threshold is, what you can handle. I know that as you have gotten older, you can handle more. These past few years you were more accepting of my overt mentions of my affection towards you, the passing “accidental” brush of my hand against your arm, the glances which lasted a little too long in your direction. And I know this because I tested you. I would purposely do things, holding my breath after I would say something to you figuring that I had gone too far, it was too much you were done. Each time you would actually surprise me and not run. Sometimes even coming back with your own remarks which leaned just a bit towards I want you and far away from you’re my friend. I am not sure if you think I wasn’t present when you would ask me questions which would pertain to a relationship between two people, or when you would sit next to me on the couch closer than I would think would be in your personal boundaries…or when you would tell me that you really wanted to take my some place and we ended up at the beach, alone, when it was pitch black under the stars….feeling like a date, or if not a date then it definitely felt like you were trying to create a “moment” for us.
I don’t know how we can go from a place of talking several times a day, knowing each other’s schedules, talking into the wee hours of the morning to not speaking at all and all because I got upset because someone else texted you. Maybe if you admitted the true nature of our relationship you would understand more my reaction that day. Maybe if you were not so self-absorbed and intent of suffocating your feelings for me, things would be easier…but I have learned over 20 years that there is no easy when it comes to you.
I wish I could write this and say good bye. I wish I could send this to you without fear you would mock me, show it to your other “good friends” ridiculing me for being the crazy one, but I can’t. I cannot trust you. I cannot trust that you would keep sacred our relationship one that has spanned a lifetime. I cannot trust that you would be truthful to me and yourself and not cut me down, all at my expense to try and bury what your truth is.
I write this because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to live without you as sad as it sounds. I don’t want to know. Through periods of our life I have lived without you for several years. And yes I survived. It took that long to get over you, to move on from you. The issue comes in for me when I am doing good then you come around again. You know that I cannot say no to you. You know that I cannot turn you down, turn you away, let you be. You know that I cannot resist that smile of yours, your awkward charm. You know that I cannot be without you and that is where my downfall comes in.
Every day I have an urge to text you, pick up the phone and call you, hear your voice, however I know that this is no longer my reality right now and honestly I don’t think it can ever be. The in between with us runs a very fine line. One that I can straddle for a while, I try my best to keep things to where I can handle them, a balance between what I want and need, protecting the sacredness of what is yours and what is mine. However I think pretty quickly things turn into more, I lose myself, and I believe you feel the same. Your answer is a break, cutting ties, getting focus back. Keeping your head in the game.
You could have what you want, but you don’t have enough self-control to do so. You are not nearly brave enough or open enough for the truth, for being truly happy and real.
Sometimes I regret all that I have invested in you, my time, my thoughts, my heart…but in reality I know I would not change a thing. I need you that much, I want you that much.
So for now, as temporary as it may be, I say goodbye. I say I love you, not for the last time but for the time being. I say don’t forget me because there is no way in hell that my heart could ever forget you.