For anyone who has ever loved someone so completely, with every fiber of their being, but could not…due to circumstances, trajectories in life, space or time…be with them; whose rekindled thoughts, in the quiet reflective times of our lives, still instantly create ripples in our souls which swell into waves and thunder ashore as powerful today as they once were…It’s been 21 years, since I was hugged by you.
It was 1993 and we met by purely by chance in a University class. You were so handsome and outgoing, a stark contrast to my quiet reserved guy self. I became your best friend, but one with a secret; I was gay.
When I finally told you, you still accepted me. Thank You. You ask questions, lots of them. Our relationship changed, you flirted with me and made me blush. You were like a boyfriend in every sense, mentally. United in laughter, humor, our similarities, interests and comfortable acceptance of each other.
And yet, I was painfully aware of the line in the sand you drew, when I finally asked you if you were Bi. And yet you told me, that if you ever decided to try “anything like that, it would have to be with me”.
Then the night you flew your dad’s plane back from visiting the girlfriend, sick from a virus, I took care of you.
Our silent ride to your place, where you remarked “No one cares about me, like you do. Not my mom, not my dad, not (girlfriend name), no one.” The profound silence as you realized this and the most intimate hug you gave me, our bodies pressed together completely as I stared into your eyes, finally after over a year, giving me the one thing in the world that I desired, a small taste of your intimacy. Finally, for an ever so brief moment your feelings shined through, filling me with both love and confusion at the same time. I lean down and kiss your cheek; you do not resist. You just thank me. We linger like this for some time and you make your way up to your apartment.
Why, Jason? Why? Was it your Republican, conservative Father’s approval that you feared losing? Were you to afraid of what you were feeling and the implications, that you were falling for a guy? We could have been so happy together.
I finally distance myself from you. The flirtation, the comments, the subtle innuendos being to much for me, never knowing if you were serious or just playing with me. I move on and try to forget about you, but I’ve always wondered…should I have kissed you that night? Would it have changed things?
Only you know the answer to that one.