I always think I’m fine.
Everytime we spend a few days apart I’m sure that I’m ready to just be friends.
Then I see you and it’s all out the window and its dreams and its biting my lip and its wishing and what ifing and its a freaking mess is what it is.
Because I’m taken.
And you’re taken.
And I’m not an idiot I know how much in love you are.
And I want your relationship to be wonderful and happy and everything it should be.
Because I love you both.
But I can feel you. Its the most bizarre connection like through space I have this awareness of you.
When I pick up my phone I can tell before looking if there’s a message from you.
I think about you when I wake up, primarily because I’ve been dreaming about you all night.
I think about you before I go to sleep because I’m hoping to dream about you again.
And I’m dwelling on something that will never be real.
And I’m aching for something that shouldnt and doesnt exist.
And I’m trying to feel for the one that I’m with the way that I so easily and effortlessly feel for you.
I have this level of connection and understanding that I have literally never experienced.
He knows me, but you understand me.
And who says this shit anyway? Sappy teenagers in love thats who.
I’m so far past that point in my life. It’s bordering on ridiculous.
I can see I’m unwise.
I can say the way things are is better.
But here I am.
Burning for the wrong one and trying to stoke the fire for the right one and feeling like a complete disaster.