• It Might Kill me

    by  • February 13, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 12 Comments

    Damn it.
    I always think I’m fine.
    Everytime we spend a few days apart I’m sure that I’m ready to just be friends.
    Then I see you and it’s all out the window and its dreams and its biting my lip and its wishing and what ifing and its a freaking mess is what it is.
    Because I’m taken.
    And you’re taken.
    And I’m not an idiot I know how much in love you are.
    And I want your relationship to be wonderful and happy and everything it should be.
    Because I love you both.
    But I can feel you. Its the most bizarre connection like through space I have this awareness of you.
    When I pick up my phone I can tell before looking if there’s a message from you.
    I think about you when I wake up, primarily because I’ve been dreaming about you all night.
    I think about you before I go to sleep because I’m hoping to dream about you again.
    And I’m dwelling on something that will never be real.
    And I’m aching for something that shouldnt and doesnt exist.
    And I’m trying to feel for the one that I’m with the way that I so easily and effortlessly feel for you.
    I have this level of connection and understanding that I have literally never experienced.
    He knows me, but you understand me.
    And who says this shit anyway? Sappy teenagers in love thats who.
    I’m so far past that point in my life. It’s bordering on ridiculous.
    I can see I’m unwise.
    I can say the way things are is better.
    But here I am.
    Burning for the wrong one and trying to stoke the fire for the right one and feeling like a complete disaster.

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    12 Responses to It Might Kill me

    1. .....0
      February 14, 2015 at 9:08 pm

      :/..




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    2. author
      February 15, 2015 at 8:55 pm

      I’m glad someone felt something and responded. 🙂 care to expand on your thoughts?




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    3. Coworker
      February 16, 2015 at 1:45 am

      All I can say is WOW!! I work with a woman that I feel the exact same way about. We are both taken, I have no idea why I feel the way I do for her. I believe she feels the same……Seriously your post took the words out of my mouth. If I were to describe my situation all I would need to do is copy and paste your post.




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    4. author
      February 16, 2015 at 6:46 pm

      I know…it’s such a backwards place to be:(




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    5. Coworker
      February 16, 2015 at 11:58 pm

      Like I said I would just need to copy and paste your post! For instance I hadnt seen her for about a week and was starting to feel less obsessed? Not sure if obsessed is the word but you get the point. Anyways I seen her today and the feelings came flooding back. We didnt even work together hardly at all today either. One look is all it takes, the sound of her voice alone draws me to her. Tomorrows shift with her is alot longer so itll more than likely end like it usually does……feeling heartbroken when she goes home, missing her so much it hurts. Crazy crazy crazy I know. She has a life of her own and so do I, so why then do I have these feelings? They are real, one cant fake feeling internal pain……….




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    6. Coworker
      February 17, 2015 at 12:37 am

      Oh and there is definitely something to the feeling them, or feeling their presence or desires or their thoughts…..Hard to put into words I guess. Anyways you mentioned you knew there was a message from him when you picked up your phone, before you looked at it. That very thing happened to me about a month ago, in fact exactly a month ago. So long story short she sent me a text approx 3 months ago. This was the first time we had ever texted. I didnt recognize the number, but inside just knew it was her. Then I started mulling it over in my head thinking to myself “you just wish it was her, why would she text you?” My heart said however it is her. So we texted back and forth for a few days, her not revealing who she was, me becoming more convinced it was her. Then one day I decided to trust what my heart was saying and text her out of the blue, calling her by name. She text back saying “Who told you it was me?” I told her I could just tell. Anyways I think her husband got upset at our texting (understandibly so) and the texts got fewer and fewer then stopped. So a full month goes by and then a month ago Jan 19th I think, she had just left work and I had just got here. Anyways Im walking out of the restroom that day and my phone vibrates. Again I knew without even looking that it was her. I thought she would never text me again so how did I know it was her? I would love to know how, and more importantly why I, a taken man has this attraction, connection, feelings for a woman who is also taken? There are days when I feel like telling her I need to talk to her and asking her if Im crazy or does she feel whatever this is too. Problem with that being I am too afraid. Im not sure which scares me more: That she’ll look at me like im crazy and an awful human being, laugh and tell everyone we work with, or tell me she feels it too. Tell me that she shares these feelings, this unmistakable attraction, this inappropriate feeling of love. As bad as the former would be, at least there is an end there, am I right? Now you “author” of this letter, tell me how you feel, what would you do? What are you going to do? What would you say if this man you talk about told you that he felt the same as you do?




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    7. Someone
      February 17, 2015 at 5:19 am

      Hello Author. It sounds as if you are trying to do the honorable thing, but you love everyone involved (your significant other, this other person, and their significant other). Is it a best friend type situation maybe? We get so close to them, it’s so easy for that to happen. Does the other person feel the same? Maybe they are struggling, too. Maybe opening up will help. Or maybe you know it’s best to keep it to yourself. Either way this letter is relatable. You are not the only one feeling this way. Good luck.




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    8. author
      February 17, 2015 at 2:01 pm

      @Someone
      My person is certainly one of my best friends. I would say best friend hands down but I’m trying to pull back as much as I can for everyone’s sanity. Over the last year he’s literally been my saving grace. I dont know where to go from here except to just keep moving forward with life and hope with time I feel less of an ache. You are right, there is love for everyone involved and I desperately don’t want anyone to get hurt. I do know that at least to some extent he knows how I feel but we both know that our lives cant really include each other in that capacity. Trying pretty much means losing everything…most likely including him.




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    9. Agree
      February 17, 2015 at 4:19 pm

      Agree with “someone”
      I think you should open up maybe the other person is feeling same




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    10. You
      February 17, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      Talk to the other person, say everything how you feel.
      The connection you have with the person it’s rare not everyone gets it and you have it with the right person,
      Your real love and maybe the persons too…

      Don’t let it go




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    11. ...
      February 18, 2015 at 5:41 am

      Similar to how I feel –
      But waiting for the person to discuss about it face to face..
      I’ve asked many times to talk but always says nothing to talk about …
      I don’t know what I should do , either forget about everything even tho I love this person or keep waiting :/

      I know our sotuation is not the best due to us both are taken but surely we can talk take the right step by talking either together or separate ways




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    12. author
      February 18, 2015 at 8:09 am

      Thank you for all of your kind responses and encouragement. The deal is though that I made a vow and I dont take that lightly. If I could turn back the clock maybe it would be a different story but things being what they are I need to get past it and be thankful to have him in my life at all. I dont want to take dreams too far. 🙂




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