One of the most difficult things for me has been that I never really got to know you. Not the way I would have liked. I tried, maybe not well enough. You know it wasn’t an ideal situation for that. That used to make me angry. I fell for you so fast, and it wasn’t like I was just trying to take you home. I wanted you to be mine, and I wanted to do it the right way, and I felt like I didn’t have a fair opportunity with the conditions that existed when I spent time with you. I just had to share you with too many people. Really, I guess I should have made more out of the time and opportunities I did have, I just didn’t think I would run out of both as suddenly as I did. So I never really got to know you. I think I understand you somewhat, stuff like what your facial expressions mean, or the way you express yourself, or some of the things that you’re passionate about. Those things are important, but there’s so much more. I think about all the things I wish you knew about me, the things I think about my life that no one else will ever know. All I want is a good woman I can spend my life with, but more importantly, someone who I can share my life with, and through my eyes. To understand why I am the way I am and do the things I do and love me because of it all. I really thought you were HER. It just really seemed like you loved me for who I really am. That’s not someone many people get to meet. I guess I’ve always been something of a loner. I don’t like many people. But you really seemed to understand me. To accept me for the imperfect person I am. You know, I’ve given you a lot of latitude in the way you’ve treated me over the years because I know you’ve been through things. Things I will never understand. And that’s just what I know about. If you know what I’m talking about, its really something that makes me very proud, one more thing that differentiates you from all the other pretty girls out there. Maybe I was being too sensitive to never really try talking to you about that, I just wanted to be careful with your emotions because I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to understand, I wanted to help if I could. But you know, that’s not a hall pass to walk all over me. To play with me like a toy or a pet. You act like I just gave you my heart and you can do whatever you want with it. But you earned my love, over a long period of time, and you can also lose it. Maybe I’ve had an easier life, but I’ve been through some shit too. Still going through it now. My mother is slowly dying. I am her emotional support. Having hour long conversations with her constantly crying and talking about dying takes a toll, but I know I’m doing the right thing, both for her and myself. It kills me she will probably never be a grandmother because of me.
I try to view things from your perspective sometimes, to think the way I think you think. I see how you test me to see my reaction to different situations. I cant blame you, from the get go overreaction was a big problem for me. I wouldn’t feel as intensely about you as I do if I didn’t have to work so hard to even get where I got, but at some point its gotta end right? Like, I think about that sometimes, what if we did get together, and it was exactly the same. Everything would be fine and then you’d do something like make me believe you were cheating on me just to see what I would do. Does the evaluation ever end? I understand that a relationship is an ongoing commitment to your partner, but I don’t see how I can trust you. I try. I have tried. You’ve never once been honest with me when it really mattered. You’ve manipulated me to get what you want when you could have just asked and you knew it. After everything it doesn’t really change anything; not the way I feel about you. Because I really do love you. You don’t even have to be around. I think I’ve proven that. I really don’t think I have anything left to prove to you, but honestly I think you do for me. I don’t know that you’ll always be there for me, or just when you want the attention. I don’t know that you can lift me up when I’m down, or if you’ll even care. I don’t know that you wouldn’t leave me, or give up on me, because you already have. I don’t know when you’re being sincere, and when you’re just fucking with me. Sometimes I wonder why I love you so much. I feel like the woman in Inception, one little idea that completely flips reality and ends with destruction. My idea is that you love me and we have a long and happy future ahead. I really believe in that hard. I love you so much. I’ve learned so many things about love without you even saying anything. About patience, and forgiveness, and respect. You will always be my first true love, even if we never even kissed. Loving you is not easy. But I think it could be so worth it.