• if not, say hello

    by  • February 8, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    I am staring at the screen, and i really don’t know what to feel… I’ve lost you. Completely lost you. Now I have nothing. i am completely be shackled, down to smitters. i pushed you away because i have always felt i don’t deserve you, i was always trying to spare you from the monster i have within. not that i could hurt or have any intent to do so. but it seems everything i do to avoid that causes the same effect. and it is killing me piece by piece.
    in my lifetime, i said ‘i love you’ but to a few. it’s a phrase i hold dear. and not once have i said,’ i have always been in love with you’ to anyone. and all this going ‘psycho’ and vain attempts at making contact — this is so not me!!! and yet, that is not what shames me.
    what really bites is how you completely dissolved all the memories i had, y saying you forgot — those precious memories that kept me alive all these years, the thought that i’d see you again and profess to you how i felt. yes, it happened. no, i was never expecting you’d say you do, too. in fact, i was surprised that you didn’t find it repulsive nor did it taint your view of me. you simply continued on be my friend….
    i feel you in my room. i feel you everytime i step out and try to meet other people and explore. when i find someone that cathches my fancy — just as i had in the past, i always turn to thinking of you.. so i just drift and shake hands, move on to the next encounter.. never finding the need to pursue anyone. everything i seem to do, leads me back to you. i tried to fight it. i even so denied it. all this time?? wow, so many years spent, hoping, waiting.. and when it finally happened, i blew it.
    this is not an excuse. it’s not even an explanation. i have no motives in writing this. i just need to get it off my chest. you may be here, then you may be not. i am weak, you are stronger. i wish i was like you, easy to walk away. i told you before, no matter what happens and if ever my disability gets in the way, never ever give up on me. maybe that was selfish to ask. but i can never find the words to describe and neither can i make you see or feel just how twisted i feel inside, how alone i feel in a crowd (even if at times i seem like the life of the party) how torn i am to be living a life with people always expecting me to be this, to be that. i am completely tired of dozens of masks i wear… 🙁
    you’ve seen the real me. i have shown my real face to you and only you. i guess, now you’ve seen it, it destroyed your faith and respect for me. out of all our hello goodbyes, i realized our last conversation, i never said goodbye.. didn’t you notice? that was the first time i didn’t say goodbye? well, i guess it doesn’t matter at this point. you have already grown tired of ‘taking care of me’ i am sorry i never meant to lay any burden on your shoulder. as a matter of fact, i wanted to turn it around when we gave it another shot. i wanted to be the one to give you shelter and comfort you. and i was very happy. all i ever wanted was to feel needed. not to be loved but needed. i meant every single thing i said, even the bad ones (they have a reason, i hope amidst the silence you somehow realized..)
    i maybe a fool to look into the future and still see you there. i wanted you to fight for me –against me, my impulses. i wanted you to ‘kill’ the monster and let the ‘pure heart’ come out. only you can do that. only you can help me… but i know that’s too much to ask. so i had to walk away………. and spare you, not that i wanted it…. am i making sense???
    you don’t need all of this. i need you more in my life, more than you need me. this was never about me even if it seemed like it was. this has always been me wanting to share your walk with all my imperfections. this was i, a person whose life has lost it’s meaning but has always found redemption and hope with you. with you.
    optimism. things can only be better. i love you. i am nothing, nothing without you. each beat of your heart will tell you you wheter this statement is real or not.
    if you don’t ever want to talk to me or hear from me please, tell it me. tell me goodbye if that is really what you feel (cause not once have you said it.) if all that was were mere consolation/pity.. set me free!!! tell it to my face, cause after everything i don’t think anything else can hurt as much. if you never and never will love me,
    tell me goodbye.

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