I need to say this but I can’t say it to you. There are so many more important things in life to write about but here I am. A cliche.
I remember standing there, watching the eclipse in the freezing snow and knowing it was the end. I felt stupid. How can something that never began, come to an end? Not long after I watched you drive away like another agonising fucking metaphor. A plot point. Yet another significant moment.
You left. I left. Again and again like back to back John Hughes movies. Maddening.
Everything was always exactly like that. The morning sun on you was my moment of enlightenment. The snowy eclipse was the end. Only, I always felt so profoundly sad. For all your peacocking and intelligence you were never going to see why it was the last chance for both of us.
F**k. I never thought I’d see a first chance at a real relationship. I wish you had seen it too. I wish you could see the years ahead of us the way I could.
Now that you do, there is nothing I can do. Nothing.
I lost nearly every bit of control over the direction of my life when you changed your mind. You know, I have everything I need. Little by little I claw out the minor joys. They are useless because I have nobody to share them with. That isn’t a complaint. It is no different than ever before. I never really expected more. Want for nothing is exactly that. Nothing.
But you can’t ask me to spend the rest of my life pining for your mistake. You can’t call on me to look across my life and see that time with you as the stars. If you want me to feel that you’ll have to give back everything you took. Otherwise, please understand that I need to erase it all from my memory.
Every time you try to plant that seed, I have to kill it. I don’t want that memory. It hurts too much to keep. I’m sorry. I won’t do it. Not even for you. It was you or nothing and so nothing it is.