It means nothing when I hookup with them because I have zero attachment to them and zero attraction and sometimes literally never see their faces. It is purely a release. But I feel guilty because of needed the release in the first place. I hold you to an unrealistic standard. Same with myself. Sometimes I find myself not worthy of you. Why was I so deadset on that? It was the thrill. I am constantly seeking the high of the thrill and the manipulation. A sensation seeker. But I can still be myself without it. It will just take time and practice. I love you.