• Lost Letter for My Ex-Long Distance Lover

    by  • February 4, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    There is a big difference between actions and words. Actions prove, words tell. When you look up the definition of the word, apology, you get: A regretful acknowledgment of offense or failure. The apology that I need to give you, and what you deserve is far more complex than this simple definition. I plan on doing everything in my power to make up for all the wrong that I have done to you. Knowing that I have done wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions and accept the consequences that you will no longer wish to speak to me again. I accept that as my punishment and I with not be angered if this is the path you choose. To be honest, I hope that you don’t choose that but it would be incredibly selfish of me if I wanted you to forgive me. I’ve known you for far too long to let things end this way. Middle school was a long time ago, and it’s almost been 5 years. You were a huge part of my life and you mean so much to me. Words can not explain that, and I feel as if you will never understand. You were the best thing to have ever happened to me, and I made the biggest mistake with you. I regret everything that I done, because I was so lucky to have had a chance with you and to have had you in my life. Anyone that has you is blessed beyond belief. This is because, to me, you were a dream come true. I was just too stupid to realize this. I’m not the smartest person in the world, or the most perfect. I made a horrible mistake and I do not know how to make up for it. Sometimes I think to myself maybe there isn’t a way to make up for what I have done. Maybe what’s done is done and there’s no going back. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself though, if I didn’t try everything. This is the reason why I’m going to see you. I’m gonna save up all my money that I get for Christmas and my birthday. I’m going to sacrifice my social life and refuse to go out with friends just because I know that every cent counts. All the money I get from graduation… it’s gonna be going to this. This trip is more important then going to college for me. Every dream that I once had died with you. They died when I betrayed you for the stupidest reason. You became my dream after that. I don’t want to focus on what I wanted to be when I grew up, I don’t want to focus on my life after high school. You are more important than anything to me. I’d rather work a horrible minimum wage job for a few years to save up for college. I’d rather use this money on a trip to go see you, than to buy myself a car. Even if I use this money to go see you, and you end up not forgiving me or you still choose to ignore me, at least I’d be able to move on knowing that I tried everything that I could have. Maybe meeting you will give me the strength to move on continue with my life. All I know is that I’d sacrifice everything in my life just to be able to touch you, to see you in person, to attempt to fix what I broke. With all the free time that I had on my hands, I’d think of ways I could apologize to you. With all these cheesy love stories and movies, where the guy or girl does something completely crazy to win back the person they love, I wanted to be that person from the movies. As I thought about it more, movies don’t exist, they are fiction. There isn’t any happy endings in real life like that. All i know is that i miss you. It seems like there is a piece of you in every song i hear on the radio, there is always something that reminds me of you. My friends ask if i miss you when i bring you up, and I’m not sure how i should reply. Should I lie and tell them no? Or be honest and tell them that I miss you everyday? And I hate that I miss you. I hate it because I can’t do anything about it. I miss house so much that every time my phone goes off I hope that it’s you missing me too, but after a few seconds set it, I know that it’s not and never will be you missing me. You were the first person I loved, and the first love I lost. It’s you, it’s always been you. It’s horrible that I think about you, I think about you a lot, probably more that I should. It’s just that this missing you makes me feel so weak and so stupid because you’re always on my mind and I know, deep down inside, I’m not even close to being on yours. It’s just that I try to hide these feelings from you, and I never seem to reveal them until I’m intoxicated or it’s late at night and my mind talks freely. It makes me feel unstable and weak, but to be honest its true. I’m mess. I have never missed anyone as much as I miss you. I believe you were the hardest thing to let go of in my life considering I haven’t let go yet. But they say it’s the hardest letting go of things you never really had. I never really had you. I was never able to touch you or hold you. I was never able to kiss you or give you all the affections a person usually has in a relationship. Hopefully this trip allows me to move on though. Hopefully it sets me free.

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