• Torn Apart, Ate and Spit Out

    by  • February 3, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Betrayal • 1 Comment

    I am just venting, so this is a just that, a letter that allows me to get this crap off my chest. I am tired, I wake up everyday, living my life for those around me.I get very little time to myself, I am constantly doing for someone or something.I cannot get one fourth of what everyone expects of me out of them, it is exhausting and it is wearing my heart out.My husband is an alcoholic, but he is a functioning alcoholic, until after 5 PM, then he turns into this person I can barely recognise anymore. It has been years since he has taken me out, all the things I used to enjoy doing outside of the home with him, gone.And I finally realize, its not going to get better, he is not willing to change the things that are tearing our marriage apart.He said it best tonight, men don’t change, that as long as he is the bread winner, he shouldn’t have to give up the things he enjoys. Hmmm….but yet I have had to give up everything that I am, that I enjoy, for him.What are my options, file for divorce? I cannot keep doing this, I am heartbroken, I am disgusted with myself for putting up with it this long! For better or worse, well darn it, how much worse can it get, he has stripped me of everything I was and working on destroying anything I could ever become.Why do I feel like I deserve no better than what I am receiving out of him? When in the heck did I become afraid of change, of starting over? I have always been a strong woman, I have always known my place in life. I am struggling to see God’s purpose in this, I am struggling with my life as it is. No, I am not suicidal, never have been, never will be. But seriously, am I going to have to just get as cold hearted as he is, and walk away? We took vows, do they not mean anything to him? Or does he not understand the commitment we made before God? To cherish and honor one another, to put the other ahead of ourselves, in sickness and in health, and this is the saddest part, until death do us part? Is he trying to put me in my grave by being so oblivious to the damage he is creating in this marriage? My Lord, forgive me, but I do not think I can continue being non existent in the life of my husband! And I know mental, emotional and physical abuse, been through that before. He is heading in that direction, has been for awhile. The day he gets worse, he best be wearing his big boy panties, cause I am not about to play! Vent out!

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    One Response to Torn Apart, Ate and Spit Out

    1. GoodWriter
      February 4, 2015 at 6:17 pm

      Such a well written letter! Go back to school, my dear, and let Mr. Breadwinner pay for it. And get that degree in something that you love, and leverage it. Leverage your time. And then you go and get yourself a fabulous job and take the Title of Mrs. Breadwinner, and take away his given reason to drink. Then go from there. At that point, if he’s made a choice of drink over you, you won’t have to make the choice. He will have made the choice. And you will discover you have a great job, a good education, and probably a mortgage. But, hey, you’re definitely in a good place.



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