Tonight, in the city that I’m still not used to, I stared out of the balcony of my apartment as the rain thundered down and realized that if I jumped off right now, the only person(outside of my small family) who would care is someone that I no longer truly care for. Not that I necessarily contemplated jumping in the first place, it was just a sobering realization. I need to get my priorities straight. When I look at this person, the person whom I’m supposed to spend eternity with, I feel nothing except nostalgia. The abyss of loss that I feel for ‘what could have been’ with this person is staggering. I tried, I really, really did. It’s not in me to stare into the mirror and see the flaws in myself that need to be corrected, I only know when something is definitely not working, not necessarily how to fix it. I can see myself becoming a recluse by the time that I’m 30. I barely venture out as is, and then it’s only for selfish, unhealthy reasons. I wish I could be the confident, self-assured person that I’m sure he wants, but that’s not me, and I refuse to change myself even though it would make everything so much easier. As an end note, I suppose it would be prudent to warn others…if you’re going to make decisions as monumentous as the ones that I have made, you had better MakeDamnSure you know yourself and what you really want.