• From a Monogamous Loving Woman

    by  • February 3, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, One Night Stand • 1 Comment

    A letter to modern women and men the world over.

    Dear men and women of the world, marriage may not be for you.
    In today’s society, we have come to except that not everyone needs to reproduce today. “Babies aren’t for me,” some women and couples proudly proclaim. “I’m just too self-centered others boast.” “It’s something I’ve grown to realize I just have no interest in doing.”

    Yay! Horray, Bravo!

    Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, or dealing with tiny earthlings as they climb mountains, drink wine and have crazy sex in grown up only gatherings that I can only imagine since I am one of those traditional mommy types. I would proudly gather a cluster of adorable little people around me and make candy sushi and run around a park all day, because I’m just that kind of badass. And it’s time that I come clean.

    I am a filthy, dirty monogamous woman who hopes to have a disastrously satisfying, life long, committed marital relationship one day. I have a pretty fantastic, kick ass, sweet boyfriend now but this letter is for him and the rest of the world over. If marriage isn’t for you, no need to string some guy or gal along, for a ride that neither of you are likely to enjoy in the long run.

    I’m awesome, and there are others like me. We’re adventurous, open, loving, nurturing traditional people. We look at possibly staged photos of elderly couples that have been married for centuries and enjoyed a life time of shared experience and we think. “That’s what I want.”

    We think that looking at one naked set of genetalia for the rest of our lives is well, in a word, comforting. I personally fear new genetalia. The possibility of disease/ or dysfunction is enough to scare me into a life of celibacy. I’ve heard what’s out there, and I don’t like it. Herps, clap, getting burned… none of that is really my bag.

    The thrill of seeing someone I’ve looked at for years and honestly saying that, while I can easily identify another aesthetically pleasing human, I find him to be the most handsome man I have ever seen in real life, and the fact that I and I alone have the privilege of kissing that face is, in a word, sexy.

    But I know, not everyone shares these feelings. The joy of having multiple people reaffirm your personal sexiness is gratifying. For these types of people I can only hope Facebook includes a review section some- day, like a best selling novel: Mellissa of River Rock, New Jersey on Tom Smith’s butt says, “…Best gluteus Maximus ever”.

    For these people, I hope that they endure gratifying short term relationships with multiple people of their choosing, and practice safe sexual lives for decades.
    But if you are one of these people, an awesome kick ass monogamy loving girl or guy like myself is not for you. We deserve your openness and honesty up front. We can tell you love us because, what’s not to love? Just like individuals who decide children aren’t for them, but they like children because after all what’s not to like? Babies are warm, giggly fascinating creatures that some only can endure for a short time before returning them to a more capable, person. Girls and guys like me are the same. Don’t fall in love with us.

    We’re amazing, loyal and probably your best friend. We’re thrilled to enjoy your company over and over again. It’s flattering to you, possibly because it’s so perplexing. How can one person only desire one person for the rest of their lives? I can’t answer that, if I had to choose one restaurant to eat at for the rest of my life I would probably need literally every anti-depressant known to man to survive. If this is your view then don’t choose to eat here (Pun intended).

    Don’t date us and think we’re amazing for loving you. Don’t move in with us and love cuddling and Netflix because our taste in movies is the same. Don’t dangle marriage, and children and futures in front us like tiny carrots dreamy marital bliss. And above all else don’t marry us only to find that marriage is not for you.

    We’ll know. We’ll recognize your need for you time, and friend time, and every other type of time. We’ll feel the distance that grows between us and the light that fades from your eyes when you look at us. The anxiety that hangs in our hearts every time you get a message from someone that contains a few too many emoticons, or exclamation points.

    We’ll believe you when you tell us you love us and there’s nothing to worry about. We know you’ll stay because we recognize how awesome we are and how can anyone help loving people like us? We’re amazing, loyal, sexy unicorns.

    But if you, yourself are not a unicorn. Please, don’t marry us.

    -From a Monogamous Loving Woman

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    One Response to From a Monogamous Loving Woman

    1. somebunny
      February 4, 2015 at 9:02 am

      You just made my day!
      Thank you



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