• 06.14.07 To MCL

    by  • February 1, 2015 • * Safe for Work *, Friends • 3 Comments

    It’s been about 7 and a half years since everything started. It’s not something I think about every day. It’s not something that affects my daily life. When I think of you, I feel a bit of disgust. And concern. I was the best friend I could be to you. I know there were times when I would get wrapped up with a new boyfriend and neglect you a bit, but it was only because you were always so needy! I still talked to you every day. When I looked at you back then, I saw a person with so many flaws. You were greedy, selfish, insecure, and demanding. You acted asthough you thought you were a princess. But we had fun and you understood me. I loved you. Do you understand how much you broke me? Do you have any idea how many tears I’ve shed over you? Do you realize how much what you did to me impacted my life? To this day, I don’t know if you’ve ever told me the truth about it. Supposedly, you did…but how do you expect me to believe a single word you say? I don’t know if everything really was a lie or if there’s really someone out there that I cared for. I don’t understand how a person could do such a thing. If you really were going through tough times, why didn’t you just share them with me instead of creating some sick twisted game for yourself? I would’ve been there for you. I guess it’s partly my fault for caring so much and being so gullible. How was I supposed to face the fact that something even more horrible was happening? While I was stuck in a horror story, in reality, my character had almost died. Do you know how much I needed a friend all of these years? It’s still the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. I live every day thinking that I’m over it. But when I listen to one of those songs…my heart wants to jump out of my chest. It gives me anxiety. Although I’m saying all of these things, I have forgiven you. I’m not angry with you. But I don’t think I can ever trust you. Whether you’ve changed or not, it doesn’t make a difference because I’ll never stop thinking that you might just be putting on an act. If you find this some day, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your life.

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    3 Responses to 06.14.07 To MCL

    1. Sgt. P.
      February 1, 2015 at 8:54 pm

      Namaste! What songs? It is good you express your forgiveness. That person probably was broken already and unfortunately the shards of them cut into you. I wish you well. I also wish someone will one day forgive me as you have forgiven this person.


    2. MCL?
      February 3, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      I feel like this letter may have been written for me. The letters MCL are not my initials, but they are meaningful to me. I have no idea about the date 6.14.07. I don’t remember exact dates of anything, but 7 and a half years sounds about right. I decided to reply to this because I think it will be therapeutic for me. I know there is a high probability that this was not meant for me, so I apologize for wasting your time if it wasn’t. This is something that I do think about. A day never passes without me thinking of you. And when I do, I feel regretful that our friendship is over. Sometimes I feel some pretty strong anger. Although I think about you, it doesn’t affect my daily life either. I think it’s interesting that your thoughts about me are the exact same thoughts I have about you. Greedy, selfish, insecure, demanding. Although not greedy or selfish with money so much, but with love and attention. You gave it freely, but you need to be the center of attention. What you want is always most important. You shove your opinions on to others in the guise of them being in everyone’s best interest. But you don’t bother to ask how they feel, and if they tell you anyway, you get very stressed and upset that they aren’t following your plan. It’s like you honestly don’t get how they don’t see that you are right. All. The. Time. I don’t recall being needy or needing to talk to you every day. I remember you calling me because you were driving around and you were bored. It wasn’t me calling you so I don’t know how I was needy, but it was clearly a burden to you and I’m glad I have relieved you of it. I don’t understand where the princess thing comes from, or why you would consider me to be greedy. I was generous with all my friends, including you. Maybe it’s because I didn’t spend enough on you? I spent the majority of my money securing a stable financial future for myself. And I splurged on myself once in a while because it helped me give a shit about living. Maybe you thought you deserved more from me. I think your insecurity shows by the sheer number of men you have slept with. This also makes me wonder about your phrase “I don’t understand how a person could do such a thing.” You have slept with numerous married and “attached” men. You even pretended to be friends with one of their wives, if I’m remembering correctly. Every time someone was critical about it, your stance was that it was the wife or girlfriend’s fault for not being what her man wanted. That you were what men wanted, and if they had a good relationship their men wouldn’t have slept with you. Not your fault at all. Until the shoe is on the other foot, right? But the thing I feel is different between those situations and ours, is that those women never told you what a great couple you would make with their man. You weren’t told about all you had in common, how great you would be together, and you weren’t encouraged to sleep with them. I was wrong for lying to you after you informed me that I was no longer allowed to sleep with him because you realized you loved him and didn’t want him and I to be together. There was no conversation about how I, or he, felt. It wasn’t a sick, twisted game. It was me seeing that it was possible to fall in love again. Me feeling really happy for the first time in years. Me being told by him that he loved me but he couldn’t hurt you as his best friend (aside from continuing to sleep with me, which apparently was okay with you on his end, just not mine). I felt thrown under the bus by both of you. The fact that he is never mentioned in your letter is the thing that makes me so angry. (Unless of course, this was not meant for me anyway) It’s not your fault (except you were too caring) and it’s not his fault. It’s my fault. Mine alone. But, I know you didn’t want to be his life-long partner. You just didn’t want him to love anyone more than he loved you. Maybe you thought you did when you saw you were losing him as your fallback if you didn’t find someone else. He and I both lied, and you were hurt, and I understand and regret that. I don’t understand your harsh reaction as if out of the blue I was trying to steal your boyfriend. And you bringing my late husband into our arguments about it. That seems to be a pattern for people that get angry with me, just to hurt me. And his death is by far the worst thing that has happened in my life. What happened between us isn’t anything near the worst thing. Why didn’t I tell you I was having hard times? I did. I told you I went sleep every night praying I wouldn’t wake up. I told you I felt like I was going crazy. I know you were going through a hard time as well back then. I see that I was being a pretty shitty friend too. We didn’t intentionally hurt you. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I loved you too. You didn’t break me, because I was already broken. I shed many tears over you as well. I can see why you would never trust me again, and I don’t think you can be trusted with anyone’s heart, let alone mine. “Your character almost died?” That’s seems overly dramatic. You needed a friend? You had another best friend. You had him until you cheated on him and you two broke up, and that’s on you. I appreciate your forgiveness. I really do. I’ve forgiven you as well, even though I know you don’t feel there was anything for me to forgive. After learning what you really thought of me, it gives me some closure. I wasn’t just imaging things when I thought that you didn’t like me and didn’t want the best for me (even though we had fun together). You don’t have to worry about me ever asking you to trust me again. W have both been hurt, but we’ve both moved on. If this is a reply to a letter that wasn’t meant for me, or even if it was meant for me, I feel foolish to be communicating on an anonymous website. But, this was therapeutic for me.


    3. Anonymous
      February 14, 2015 at 8:12 pm

      Sorry, this letter actually wasn’t meant for you. I’m sorry you went through all of that though. It’s okay that you left your comment even though I’m not the person you’re expressing your feelings to. I’m glad my letter was able to make you feel a little better.



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