• Was Blind

    by  • January 28, 2015 • To You • 4 Comments

    Has something like this happened to you? What follows is my personal experience. Experience that lasted years. Very insidious. I don’t label it narcissistic. What matters is that it was toxic.

    The cycle: (A)Gives adoration-> (A)Fast forwarding of relationship-> (B)Other person feels overwhelmed and yet basks in attention, especially if they have been mistreated in past relationships/family of origin.

    Honeymoon period

    Relationship begins to feel boring so (A)person causes drama-> (B)Wants “perfect” relationship to last so they try to “fix” it.

    Slowly,(A) adoration turns to knocking (B) off pedestal. (B) is addicted to feeling adoration and begins to overcompensate/attempt fix relationship/themselves to maintain “high”.

    Red flags become more abundant. (B)Cognitive Dissonance
    Relationship tends to have extreme highs and lows.

    (A) Promises do not produce actions (B) Cognitive Dissonance persists until it makes them completely question their own judgement/reality.

    (B) Can no longer ignore warning signs/feelings of abuse-> (A) hoovering/manipulation/projection-> (B) sucked back in. (B) Prolonged cycle adds to self-hatred, deflated self-esteem, harder to leave, unable to make changes. Cycle becomes normalized. (B) Does more while (A) does less.

    (B) Leaves. (A) Only gives as much effort needed to suck (B) back in.

    Relationship depletes. (B) Wants validation that once was there/accepts less and less (A) responds with devaluing and trickle truth/affection.

    Deterioration of relationship until A or B leaves. (B) will not get better until they take back their power, see reality and regain sense of self.

    (A) Attempts to re-enter life of (B) via “apology”, “turning over a new leaf”, challenge of new boundaries, validation, etc…Always seems to happen when (B) is FINALLY getting better.

    Backsliding

    Cycle begins again if contact or relationship persists->(B) feels worse than previous experience because “they should have known better” this time around.

    Cycle will only end when (B) kicks (A) out of life PERMANENTLY.

    4 Responses to Was Blind

    1. Thank you
      January 29, 2015 at 3:33 am

      For opening my eyes to what I went through for I was person “B”. What a roller coaster! Every couple of weeks & I couldn’t understand why. I was so emotionally damaged/drained that it took even a physical toll on me. I have never been the once loving person. With time I have healed & grown immensely which wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

    2. That Happened To Me
      January 29, 2015 at 8:06 am

      Of all the letters I’ve ever read here dear author, your letter has much meaning to me, Person “B” . You have unequivocally set me free from something that was beyond emotionally soul destroying. I can’t thank you enough for now my self questioning/doubt is no longer there. Wow.

    3. Im B.
      February 11, 2015 at 7:56 pm

      The problem is that most people believe they are in fact, (B).

    4. But now, I see.
      February 13, 2015 at 5:16 am

      Was Blind, And Others: Sweet honey on an angry hive, this sounds like my ex. Romance, high charisma, sexual interest laid on thick. He was already my friend. It was easy to fall in love. But soon enough, subtly manipulative behavior became high need for control; graduated into belittling, then pointing out his need for me to “change my behavior”. Huh? Patterns emerged of punishment/reward: pushing away; reeling me back with promises of love. We went in and out of couple-hood, due to his refusal to fully commit, yet he desired control of our relationship and knowledge of where I went/who with.

      Letting him down in any fashion often resulted in punishment by Silence. He’d go into “No Contact” for days or weeks. I of course would plead for him to communicate with me and work it out. Exhausted, I finally pulled away, wanting no contact for myself. He then returned with charm and sex appeal, declaring love if I’d be with him on his terms. Hit repeat button. I gave more, he gave less; had more control than ever.

      Love him I did. Do. But under constant strain, return to friendship only seemed warranted. Though friends before, he rejected me suddenly and utterly. I thought it was another “Silence” and reacted in desperation, trying find the right things to say to “fix” it. That had become the control pattern. If and when he answered, it was with impatience, declarations of my weakness, and a few romantic regrets. Finally, completely confused, I realized I’d lost myself somewhere in loving this man, and sought counseling. It’s taken a long time to absorb that it wasn’t me not measuring up. It was a complex process of falling in love and having my emotions manipulated by a deeply toxic man.

      Sleep with me on my terms, love me on my terms…or lose my friendship.

      Wow. How did I not see that as unkind, self-serving maneuvering at its best? Uh, worst. No doubt his two ex wives experienced it, too. It still hurts, but recollecting times he lied, or got caught in his own words, and experience of having it projected onto me…ugh. Not committing, but wanting to know all about my time with other dates? Meanwhile declaring he has hopes for me and our future if I will do what he says…always? All mind games designed to sap self worth. God, there is relief in learning the crazy-making game has a name.

      Healing is a slow process. Today I actually laughed aloud at the whole impossible situation. Counseling, seeing friends, dating helps. Writing it out helps. Normal dating is a fun, mutually beneficial thing; even if it doesn’t pan out, there’s no feeling like you did something wrong. And making new friends is a really nice side effect!

      Please let go of your toxic loved one for your sake. You don’t have to stop loving them. Just don’t remain a source for them to drain. Stay busy! In absence of your partner, toxic thoughts previously planted can return to exhaust you. I know it’s hard, but try not to linger, even in your mind. Remember: It can’t become a healthy relationship, and you can’t “fix” it or heal them.

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