• * Numb

    by  • January 23, 2015 • To You • 0 Comments

    U can call me all the horrible names in the book, bad mouth me and even hate me too, It won’t get to me right now.. The hurt has made me so depressed nothing seems to matter or bother me…I feel numb..

    All good if I’m a pussy 2 u, thanx.. Its so strange that u only seem to notice the letters which u don’t like & then feel the need to criticize me about it.. Funny how u never say a single nice thing about what I write about u, u over look that rather.. Iv been writing about many different people in my life, 4 many different reasons… Yes I wrote about A,nabs,tas,mom & another friend.. Mostly becoz i just wana have a tiny break of not thinking about “us”,not thinking about sadness,and just come up with whatever silly or happy thought that cross my mind at the moment…

    Yes I wrote about her, and 4 less than a half hour I thought about her n found sum things funny n just wrote it down 4 no reason.. It made me laugh 4 just that moment,n than 4 the rest of the 23hrs of the day I have to bare with the hurt n the constant thoughts of u & wot happened.. Sometimes it gets so unbearable I rather drink meds to make me sleep & the pain stops…

    U wanna get angry becoz of *A because u assume ur own thing again,for u its wrong if I’m nice to others.. I can speak good about every1,I’m not the type who always see faults continuously in others. The things I wrote will be nothing but thoughts I had that moment… Besides our history ,me and her have been friends a long time.. And since our break up years back,not once did I ever give her the impression that I want her back or lead her on,not once! We became friends,despite her feelings still it never got in the way.. No matter which girl I had,she had nothing but respect.. And no matter who she tried dating,I gave her respect too.. We never made issues about the smallest and stupid things, we really had a Friendship nothing more… If u should go ask her urself without me knowing anything, hear what she will tell u about what I speak 2 her about..you! She never ever had anything bad to say about u despite she doesn’t know u.. Ask her,who do I love? She will tell u… My point is this u get so quickly cross 4 things u don’t seem 2 like but fail 2 understand the reason why…

    1stly, I know how I can go on about pretty girls looks & make it seem so important.. But its not at all.. Iv learn my lesson when it comes that now once & for all.. What makes u special 2me and what makes u soo much different from others,is that I fell in love with ur Heart and Soul.. ! Ur beauty and everything else was just a cherry onto.. And thats y it makes everything extremely hard 4 me to just leave… Beauty fades away but a heart of gold never does… U r the person I love,n that’s everything.. Any1 after that is just another girl,I don’t still bother coz it means nothing.. So if u feel like judging me 4 that,than go ahead but I’m not going back to her,iv made it clear soo many times too…

    U say I went on like a pussy right? Its ok.. Yes just becoz u didn’t have a outrageous reaction when that girl fell pregnant doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have too.. Maybe u didn’t react that way becoz u no longer feel strongly about me,so 2 u it was ok.. The reason y I reacted the way I did wasn’t out of jealousy or hatred, but purely out of hurt & shock.. The day u told me u can’t have children,I will never 4 get that friday night like yesterday.. I was by Tas walking outside talking 2 u on the phone still,u just got ur womanly stuff still.. The topic was brought up,n than u told me u will never be able to bare kids no matter what we try, becoz u n ur ex tried b4 everything.. U told me the cancer destroyed certain part of ur ovaries or something to do with womb I’m not sure.. I was completely silent 4 long if u can remember and than u started crying really heart sore n I tried 2 act strong,but instead I felt so sad & just told myself I have to accept it and make peace.. Its not the end of things,I’ was still willing to do whatever it takes…

    Soo now all of a sudden u drop this bomb shell on me, that u pregnant?? After everything u made me believe u can’t have kids, after me crying about it, finally accepted it and u tell me that? What on earth were u hoping my reaction would be?? I didn’t know wot to think,was it all a lie? Or was it actually that u never wanted a kid with me… U know exactly how much it meant 2 me and how much it excite me when we spoke… So imagine now how much it hurts…

    U have it all now, u have a baby on , u have this guy who wants u so much which u constantly throw on my fave
    ..So there u have it all.. I don’t mean anything to u, so far all u have done is sit back and criticize all my faults, all my mistakes, make me like I’m a nothing.. 2 me this was never a make believe,a phantom , a chasing unicorns or whatever u keep saying.. 2 me u were the best thing that’s happen 2 me!.. If all this wasn’t real, than love would never b staying this long, n hurt would never b this painful.. I’m sorry that I’m nothing but bad things to u and u wasted ur time with me.. Iv not once ever thought that about u …

    Ur life is happy now and good, that’s great.. Soon ur kid will b there and I’ll b only a forgotten memory… I’m finding this hard to deal with on my own but I’m trying my best… Don’t break me further down just becoz u now happy and have sum1 else pls, I wouldn’t do that 2 u…

    Like u said ‘Ur happiness is now my heartache”..so yes I gota deal with it now.. I’m not seeing any girl,I cut all ties with everyone just to help me somehow… So pls don’t b judgmental wen I write about certain friends or family and I seem somewhat happy or jolly,its just a short escape of my thoughts 2 cheer me up…

    I will always love you but u have chosen to be with someone else.. I can’t just fall inlove so easy like u do. .

    Carter

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