“We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” – JK Rowling
You live your life in a world where everyone is a means to an end. People are there to admire your gifts of art and music. It rightfully makes you feel good because you contribute unique beauty into this world. People are there to help you achieve your business goals, but often it does not benefit them and sometimes it is even at their expense. But the most important people in your life are your paramours. These are the people you use to plaster over your loneliness and your disconnection from yourself.
You are a sensitive soul. You can be very vulnerable and emotional. At other times, you are oddly detached. You struggle to feel connection with others, yet you need attachment to feel whole. You use people to try to fill a hole in yourself that can only be filled by you. That hole is like a bucket filled with water. No matter how much water your partner puts into it, the bucket eventually drains because a bucket with a hole cannot retain its contents. You struggle to maintain your connection with others because you struggle to maintain a healthy connection with yourself. Never the less, this disappoints and disenchants you. It leads you seek solitude.
When you are alone, your default state is emotional vacancy. While I have felt this way before, especially when someone betrays my trust, this state isn’t omnipresent. I have good days and bad. When I feel this way, it is almost impossible to quiet the ruminations within my mind. Slowly, but steadily, my equilibrium returns to me. I normalize to my default state which is more or less optimistic and filled with gratitude. I can’t image what it must feel like to feel empty most of the time. It must be terrible. One must expend an enormous amount of energy to drown out negative and unproductive thoughts. It leaves a void while anxiety remains. You anxiously fill that void with media, porn and sex. You do everything in extremes otherwise, you may not feel anything at all. Vacillating between feelings that are larger than life tormenting you, or a void of emptiness; this takes a toll on your psyche. The echoes of your mind are truly your worst enemy. Spending time with people is particularly arduous and exhausting because you must suppress this and put on a different façade. It’s no wonder you prefer solitude.
Solitude can be good, but eventually you need to reconnect with people. Superficially, you seem bright, caring and optimistic. You are inspirational and encouraging. You are a mix of arrogance and humility. It is magnetic, engaging and quite intoxicating. People flock to you easily and finding sexual partners is never an issue. Sexual relationships with you progress quickly… too quickly. Lovers are deeply ensnared before they have had time to really get to know you. As things progress, the gaps between the projected fantasy vs. reality start to show. This is where the honeymoon ends, and the work of a real relationship begins. It takes commitment. It can be messy and uncomfortable. But it can also be a wonderful experience. It is an opportunity to grow and deepen your bond with another, beyond superficiality.
But in order to take a relationship to the next level, one must be authentic, commit to honest communication, commit to trying to understand your partner, and work to always see them in the best and most positive light. This is especially true when you are hurt. It’s never a good idea to dwell on their shortcomings, flaws and imperfections.
People are dichotomies in many respects, and the sum total of those things make a person unique and special. It’s like fine chocolate. Raw cacao is bitter and not appealing. It takes an enormous effort to turn it into something palatable. Imagine if you decided that you did not like chocolate based on the taste of raw cocoa? People are this way too. I believe you have a great deal of trouble with this. This is not a cognitive issue but one of perception. From my experience and observation, if a person isn’t fucking you in the present, then they don’t love you and never loved you. If they aren’t jumping through hoops to do favors for you, then they are selfish. (Never mind that you don’t reciprocate.) If the person has hurt your feelings even in the smallest of ways, then they are a toxic person worthy of your active scorn.
When you spend time with people, you are often hypersensitive. Little things become big deals, and the cool emotional void that fills your days alone is replaced by a roller-coaster of wild reactions that your partner has trouble navigating. They walk on eggshells, never knowing what will provoke a reaction from you. The presence and demands of reciprocation toward others becomes an intolerable burden for you. Slowly, and then all at once, everything about them becomes irritating. Everything they do crawls under your skin. They inevitably work harder than they have worked in any other relationship only to find out that things are not better. Their existence is intolerable even though they really haven’t done anything wrong. If all you can tolerate is a perfect construct of an idealized person that was never real to begin with, then it is no wonder you are disappointed and unable to sustain relationships. No one can be that person for you, and no one can give indefinitely without having their needs met or their voice heard.
This creates walls in intimate relationships. No one should have to suppress their feelings and voice simply to maintain harmony. This may maintain your inner harmony, but it creates a great deal of disharmony and anxiety for them and that causes them pain. No matter how compliant they become, you eventually become silent, and withdraw anyway which is even more disquieting to the suppressed heart. Justice should always be the basis of every relationship and this is not justice.
Oddly enough people tolerate this kind of behavior from you for a very long time. You might hurt them or confuse them, but eventually your charisma and your ability to pretend nothing awful just happened persuades them to give you another chance.
Unfortunately, these trials don’t improve the relationship nor nurture intimacy. In fact, the more they tolerate, the less you respect them. The less you respect them, the more you hold contempt for them. It doesn’t matter who they are, everyone eventually becomes a subject to be tested (repeatedly), manipulated and finally conquered. You don’t want drama but their compliance ignites contempt from you. It is truly a no-win situation because they are condemned no matter what they do!
I can only speculate that you view your ability to manipulate their emotions, empathy and humanity as a sign of weakness. It isn’t weakness at all but strength. It takes great courage to feel, courage to share, courage to be empathetic, courage to offer yourself to someone, courage to be truthful to yourself and those around you, and ultimately, courage to offer yourself to someone and hope for the best. This is the truest definition of strength.
For your part, you are self-aware enough to know that you do this. But you are unable to stop yourself. You are always aware of your choices of words. You sustain relationships well past their expiration date due to your skill in presenting things the best way you can. This helps you get what you want and provides you with the greatest advantage. You make everything seem as if it were reasonable when often, it isn’t. It’s mind boggling that you can turn the tables on people and get them to apologize to you when you are the one who should be apologizing.
Eventually, people come to understand they are being manipulated and that the relationship is one-sided. You sense that and know things cannot continue the way they had. People can only forgive you so many times. The next time may be the last straw. You know that the tipping point is near. You have huge issues with abandonment. You know eventually you will be left alone. But if that’s going to happen, you’re going to facilitate it on your terms. You do this by alienating and demonizing the same person that gave you so much love, care and understanding. You rewrite history in order to justify your behavior and their discard.
This lack of empathy, even contempt for others makes you unable to form lasting bonds. Perhaps it is just familiarity breeding contempt. The closer a person becomes, the more you need to assert your dominance. Whatever transforms your feelings, you eventually become mildly sadistic. I try very hard to understand this but I fail. Most people restrain their negative impulses because they feel empathy toward others, they care about right and wrong, and they fear consequences. You don’t.
You are extremely vulnerable to the opinion of others because you seek your sense of self through the lens of others. When someone knows you well, they see the real you, warts and all. In my case, I thought I knew your dark side, but I was mistaken. And now that I know him, I haven’t stopped loving him. I see you as a whole person, not just someone who did a lot of unmerited fucked up things to me. I still see that there is a lot of good inside of you, because I know deep in my heart, the person you project is also the person you wish to be. I do not see you as a lost cause although I believe you see yourself that way. And this is the essence of why you can’t sustain close relationships with people. People who become close to you will project all parts back at you, not just the parts you wish to see. Seeing your dark parts causes you to feel shame. It is a serious injury and prevents you from feeling empathy for the people you hurt or use. After taking a course about morality and exploring its very essence, I have come to believe morality boils down to one thing, empathy. Despite having a deep conscious about right and wrong, your personal morals are flawed. Morality starts with how you treat others, when no one else is looking, when you have nothing to gain by being kind, selfless, generous and understanding. (Perhaps it is my own ego speaking, but I feel that there is a part of you that wishes you could set the reset button so we can be friendly again.)
You don’t believe that you can make a choice to do something to fix it. Imagine the freedom of not needing to cover the dark, broken parts of yourself and being completely transparent. You can conquer those parts, and you no longer have to feel shame.
Change is slow. It can be a façade at first and that’s ok. You are already skilled at this. The difference is your motive. You can will yourself to be a kinder person because fundamentally, being horrible to others is still a choice that you consciously make. You can will yourself to make different choices and be a person that doesn’t have to hide parts of himself. You can choose not to do things from an insincere place and become a bigger person for it. Even though you have no current obvious conscience to drive you to be kinder, the real paradox is that you are tormented by your desire to not be the person you are! You ARE capable of giving and receiving real love from others. You don’t have to use their love as a weapon against them.
We all eventually get to be the person we want to be over a lifetime because of the big and small choices we make each day. You don’t have to present yourself to the world fraudulently. You can live transparently, and you will no longer fear what others think about you. What you don’t understand, is that if you force yourself to do this, you will feel much better than you ever have in your entire life.
It took work and years, before I learnt how to build myself into a person I am today who is 98.6% happier than I was before. While it continues to be a journey toward self-improvement and enlightenment, I am proud of the person I am and the lives I have touched. I know I will be missed by many people.
On this day, you may not be proud of the things you have done in the past. Right now as you begin a new year, you have an opportunity to make a new beginning. You are an impressive person in your own right. I saw your inner beauty, hiding behind a wall of manufactured confidence. You are brilliant and talented. You are clever, eloquent, and insightful. You are wise and cunning. There were brief moments when your guard was down that I was able to really see you. It revealed your frailty, your doubts, and your fears. Those glimpses were the reasons why I held on so long. This is the person that I had fallen in love with, and the person that I know you wish to be. These are the things that make you one of the most amazing individuals I have ever met. Why not cultivate and nurture those qualities until they become second nature? There can be so much joy and satisfaction in selflessness. The dividends are real yet hard to quantify.
Ultimately, you are experienced at getting exactly what you want which means, you are capable of doing this. You don’t have to be a lost cause unless you chose to be. You don’t have to be Mother Teresa either. The first thing is to simply aim to be a straight-shooter in all things. Don’t lie about anything no matter how trivial. The second thing is to fanatically follow the golden rule; always put yourself in another’s shoes before you judge, look for the positive motive instead of defaulting to the negative one; never take it upon yourself to punish another human being. If your perceptions are correct, then karma has a way of correcting these things. If your perceptions are wrong, you have dodged a bullet by your own hand.
If you follow these two rules, the rest will materialize according to your expectations and beliefs. If you do not like your experience, then you must change the nature of your conscious thoughts and expectations. Only then will your life manifest the way it should have, long ago.
If you commit to this road, I will commit to supporting you because ultimately, I love the person that you are, and especially the person you strive to become. It is up to you to manifest it. No one else can do that for you. I believe with hard work, anything is possible. When you create for yourself a life that is rich in morals, compassion and true beauty within, you will find it to be the most important and rewarding task of your life.
It’s your choice to have a Happy New Year. I give you my love and my very best wishes for success. I miss the music, your art and you.