long distance sucks and quite frankly i don’t think it’s working for us anymore.
it’s hard to be physically intimate and i’m not the most sexual person. honestly, doing anything long-distance is fucking awkward for me. i don’t like doing it often, and that’s clearly an issue. i can’t stand that you’ll half-bring something up, make me feel bad about it, then be like “no it’s okay it’s fine don’t worry about it i’m over it”. shut up. you’re not over it and you’re not going to be until it changes but honestly it’s not something i want to change ??
i’m at a point where i don’t even get excited to talk to you. i just feel like i have to. i hate hate hate videochatting because you always try to make it sexual and you know i’m not comfortable with that and then you make me feel bad because you always get shot down when you try. maybe stop fucking trying. yeah, i’ve been avoiding videochats because they either go in that direction, or we sit there in awkward silences trying to “talk it out” and “resolve this problem”- AGAIN. but it’s not going to be resolved.
i’m not excited about talking to you anymore. i’m not excited to feel awkward and guilty and sit there trying not to cry in the most uncomfortable silence ever. why do you insist on having more time to talk, when we’re just going to sit there awkwardly because you’re not making any conversation ????
i’ve been hesitant about buying this most recent plane ticket and i’ve been thinking a lot about us for the past month or two.
when i was dealing with depression and all kinds of weird mood things you made it worse because sure i guess i took it out a bit on you but you weren’t exactly understanding or anything. i never really talked about it until after the fact, when i was off the pill (fun fact! side effect of birth control is depression!! so if you ever feel shitty sometimes it may make you feel shitty all the time!! who knew ?) and you were like “wow so glad to have the old you back” but like i still get depressed sometimes and i used to feel this way before, too. and i don’t know what mythical old me you’re glad about because you never seemed to notice that there was any different me. at least you never said anything or asked me about it or were particularly understanding even though i was kind of the poster child for depression.
it’s terrifying to imagine that i could spend my entire college career in a long distance relationship, that might not end up working out. it’s terrifying to realize that we’re slowly crumbling apart and i don’t think we’re going to work out and i don’t want to waste the next few years of my life trying to work things out and whatever.
we didn’t even say i love you at the end of our last videochat. no matter how bad our fights have been before, we’ve sent our goodnight texts and said our i love yous because we still did. but lately, i’m not so sure. and i really don’t want to say i love you, or i miss you, or send you your good night text. i barely talked to you today, and when i thought about it, i couldn’t even think of what to text you about. because i couldn’t think of anything you could say that i’d be interested in hearing.
i used to want to talk to you about everything, from my missing sock to you reorganizing your fridge or whatever. but i just don’t care anymore. and i think that means its over.
and long distance sucks because i have this expensive plane ticket that i really think i should cancel and i had a feeling i should’ve bought the insurance on it or whatever because now i’m just concerned that i wasted hundreds of dollars. i almost feel like we’re trapped in this relationship for at least a little while longer.
i don’t know how to end it or if i really should end it but the more i’ve been thinking lately, the more i think that it was lovely while it lasted, but it’s over…