Honestly, somehow I think I knew that was gonna happen. I don’t know what it means but I guess I kinda saw it coming. Well congratulations. You caught me again.
It doesn’t look good, I know that. I don’t want to play it both ways. I just don’t know what else to do. I’ve sabotaged myself so much in the past, and all my waiting doesn’t seem to have produced any results. I’m guess I’m really conflicted. Feeling like having something I don’t really want may be better than wanting something I may never have.
Go ahead and condemn me. I know you hate me right now, probably rightfully so. If the situation was reversed I would probably be pissed at you for it. I must seem like I’m so full of shit to you. The truth is that I would always choose you…I just don’t know for sure that I have that choice.
I don’t enjoy this, what I’m doing. If nothing else I hope you know that. I hope they saw that and reported back to you accordingly. Man, I forgot how she can give that look that makes me feel dead inside. I tried to be nice, it did not seem like that was wanted at all. I guess I don’t blame her. It’s just disappointing because she doesn’t know this but the relationship I used to have with her was so important to me. Ironically, he was the one to show me some kindness, not this time but last time. That really meant a lot to me. I don’t wish either of them anything but the best. But you have to remember how things ended…I just am not comfortable around either of them when that was the last thing to happen between us.
As for now, I don’t know where we are. I’ll just keep assuming you’re mad at me. I need some time to collect and reorganize my thoughts. A couple days and a change of scenery. It’s well past time I got out of this fucking town for awhile. Driving me fucking crazier.
I am sorry, not because I got caught, but because i don’t like hurting you. I don’t know what else to say or do. I just feel really dumb right now.