• Rambling again…t’is must be the season

    by  • November 29, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 16 Comments

    What do you expect from me? You want truth and honesty? You want me to be me? Let’s face it, no you really really don’t! You want my lies, my silence my pretenses to be able to give you only what you want from me. Nothing else matters to you when it comes to me. I don’t know if I know how to love anymore, maybe I never did. I always had to harden my heart to merely survive and you were my toughest lessen that only a heart of stone bares a chance to survive. Strange realization I had last weekend. I was a very ambitious woman all life long. I always chased my dream, the biggest dream maybe that life holds. I was from very young age on always seeking love, seeking to find this peace, this other half I held on so fiercely to believe that it exists. I always believed deep down inside that love is out there, one love, one true love, a bond between only two hearts and souls. A love that can withstand everything. You know what, I always believed even in my darkest hours of life, through all my doubts I believed until I found you. While at first I felt you were it, I learned over the years that you were it indeed, you were the one to break it. The one to finally make me believe that
    all life long I was merely chasing shadows. Chasing reams, a young girls dream of love and safety while none of it exists, I am strong. I had to be so early in life, I had to be inn so many ways always. There were no arms holding me tight telling me that everything will be alright, ever other than my friends. The few selected ones who made it possible for me to live and not give up. You were only a very short time one of them. I can’t believe how deeply I let myself go for you, how much I showed you of my true self just to have it thrown back into my face as faults. How deeply I trusted that you will be the one man I can have faith in to stand up for me when I need it most. How utterly and blindly I trusted you with myself, my hopes, my dreams, my life and everything in it. You lied. Despite you claiming otherwise, you have presented me with the biggest, most hurtful lie of my life. You said you care and that you will always be there for me and I believed you. You lied to me and you are still lying to yourself. Yes, I believe you I believe that in your box mind you think, feel as if you care and simply avoid to really think about it any further. You don’t want to think about it about this, don’t want to think about us. If you do, you sure have a good way hiding it. You sure have a sure way of twisting everything positive, every positive loving intend into something negative. I guess it suits you better to believe that I am bad for you.

    16 Responses to Rambling again…t’is must be the season

    1. Wow
      November 30, 2014 at 4:44 am

      “What do you expect from me? You want truth and honesty? You want me to be me? Let’s face it, no you really really don’t! You want my lies, my silence my pretenses to be able to give you only what you want from me. Nothing else matters to you when it comes to me.”

      If I were the intended recipient I would get really angry. Assumptions. You admit that you were not honest. Wow. What if you’re just too afraid to be honest and twist it around to feel better…

    2. @wow
      December 1, 2014 at 5:58 am

      You sound like him. Lol. Taking something apart that can only find comprehension as a whole…
      Honesty about emotions. Trust is a funny thing with 2 legs that runs if beaten down too often.

      “I can’t believe how deeply I let myself go for you, how much I showed you of my true self just to have it thrown back into my face as faults”

    3. wow
      December 1, 2014 at 11:52 am

      True, I didn’t respond to your whole letter. I guess these first lines hit a nerve. Excuses for lies make me angry. In my opinion honesty is always important and lies don’t get better with context. But that’s an extreme opinion, I know.

    4. Thank you.
      December 5, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      Whoa. For a minute I thought, did I write this? Its creepy how almost each word could be written by me to someone I care deeply about. Funny enough @wow, you sound like you could be them too. It helps seeing letters and responses like these in more ways than one. So thank you.

    5. wow@Thank you
      December 6, 2014 at 12:32 pm

      I know this feeling. Once I was so drunk that I had difficulties to recognize my own letters later. Scary.

      What you say is interesting. Not the first time that I get confused with someone else. We see what we want to see…

    6. @wow
      December 7, 2014 at 8:42 am

      Somehow even in your second response it appears as if you haven’t finished reading the entire post.
      We are all different and everybody is entitled to their own opinions and judgement.
      Perception always depends on the willingness of wanting to understand the other. Understanding does not have to be agreement but it generally leads to an openness needed to reevaluate their own actions or lack there of. Leads to a base to maybe begin, have the ability to openly/honestly communicate. In my strange mind this means truly caring for each other and taking the time to resolve potential problems instead of only validating your own without even knowing, nor considering the other.
      Lies can be many things – withholding information can be a lie when it leads to misconception. I agree, honesty is always best but if you read the last line of my last comment, I merely consider myself human with a sense of self perseverance who is in limbo as to what to do next. When I say “I’m fine” and really I am not needing nothing else but him to show he cares, it’s a lie from my side. I lie because on so many occasions he left me feeling that my reason for whatever in the moment they were, weren’t valid to him and often he turned them into something completely unrelated different then switched and made me feel even worse then I already felt. Sometimes people just need an ear and an arm to be held in even if the reason is silly. When all you find is unreasonable judgment and punishment you withdraw. Maybe not for/with you but as I said, everybody is different. Saying that, it doesn’t mean that you are right or wrong, it means simply different and acceptance of differences is the first step to non judgmental and potentially hurtful communication.

    7. @Thank you
      December 7, 2014 at 8:54 am

      I know what you mean and often felt the same way. There are many people with very similar emotions in very similar situations, or so it appears. Makes you think and reevaluate…. Although my post is really just a rambling getting feelings out unorganized, I am happy if this helps you in any way shape or form. So thank you for giving this some kind of purpose.

    8. wow
      December 8, 2014 at 2:24 am

      I read your entire post, but I got stuck with the first few sentences. I had a very selective view. All in all I think I understand you.

      I agree with what you say about trying to understand and withdrawing. I had similar issues with someone and I know how difficult this can be. In my case I think I didn’t respect my own boundaries. I often found myself apologizing for crazy reactions someone had provoked. My intuit reaction was trying to find peace again and taking more responsibility than necessary, even though I couldn’t explain why it got weird in the first place. I made several efforts, but the responses were never satisfying. Best thing would have been to talk it out, but that never happened.

    9. @wow
      December 9, 2014 at 6:21 am

      Thank you for actually giving my rambling your thoughts. Everything is about perspective, I suppose. Even feelings and responses following from them. Sometimes those feelings are without thinking through the why’s or validity. I feel like we found a common – open and honest communication is best and can solve most issues. It’s up to each of us to hold our breath, calm down and think before we let instant hurt take over where there may not even be a reason for. Nobody likes conflict but life has a way of bringing unfinished issues back up and it would be easier to resolve than bury – if only both side be open, caring enough to do so.
      I take my share of resigning instead of continuing to try. The question just is when did one try enough?
      Not sure I am understanding what you meant with respecting your own boundaries and maybe I am misinterpreting but are there boundaries in love?

    10. wow
      December 9, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      I agree.

      I was not talking about boundaries in love. It was about emotional boundaries.You shouldn’t apologize for things you’re not responsible for, you shouldn’t feel guilty for things that felt okay. Of course also the other way around.

      I can’t give you an answer for when enough is enough. I guess that’s something you have to decide when you feel that you did everything you could and can’t take it anymore. Would be easier, if both were willing to talk, but if not what do you do? I don’t know. It’s a tough situation.

    11. @wow
      December 10, 2014 at 5:44 am

      I think it’s a dog biting it’s own tail because overstepping emotional boundaries happens when you love someone while no honest communication is present. Being able to take the time for evolved communication may be a factor as well. Trying to keep the peace instead of addressing issues hoping one self get over it by trying to reason them away into non importance when in the end they are – even if just to self.

      Sometimes we don’t even realize that we withdrew until it already happened.

      Tough to go back to the beginning, no matter how much one wants to. Something I have never done before, usually I always just moved forward. This time I wanted it so much to be different and still do but I am simply more than the position he squeezed me in and my own life has to take precedence for once.

      Well, thanks for carrying on and exchanging thoughts. I hope that everything will work out for you !

    12. wow
      December 11, 2014 at 4:56 am

      Trying to keep the peace instead of addressing issues is probably a sign that you don’t feel safe enough. You fear that something bad will happen, when you say what you think. And maybe it would, if you did. The bad thing is, the more you do that the more dishonest it gets.

      I dream of a relationship where it is possible to have fights – without fear of losing someone. You can say what you think and they can too. You fight without feeling the need to make it look “nice”. You fight until you have to laugh. You laugh because you know that nothing can change the fact that you love each other. You are safe without needing to be “nice” all the time…

      Well, so much from me. Thank you too! Your thoughts are worth to be heard. Stay true to yourself and I’m convinced that everything will work out for you.

    13. @ Wow
      December 12, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      You made me smile, see how easy this was? Remember how you started off and now it sounds like we know each other 🙂 Yes, your first paragraph is so true and I wish it wouldn’t have to be this way. I dream of the same kind of relationship ! Doesn’t everybody?
      Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated!
      Take good care of yourself and maybe we connect again along our roads.
      From one Stranger to Another…

    14. wow
      December 13, 2014 at 7:22 am

      Wow, my seventh comment on your post. Yes, I see.:)

      I don’t know, what everybody dreams of (and frankly I don’t care). I would say it depends on personality. Maybe some are more into harmony, others are more into fights. You get closer to perfection when you are able and willing to find any kind of the balance between the two of you.

      It was a pleasure to talk to you, Stranger!

    15. helpinghand
      December 22, 2014 at 5:47 am

      “You sure have a sure way of twisting everything positive, every positive loving intend into something negative. I guess it suits you better to believe that I am bad for you.”

      I’m just curious, in what ways were you good for or good to him?

    16. @helpinghand
      December 25, 2014 at 11:33 am

      Let me answer with a question; What is good for, or to you?

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