• Ramblings

    by  • November 27, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Thanksgiving • 0 Comments

    Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving to all.
    Whether we realize it or not, all of us actually have a lot to be grateful for.
    Moments, yes, sometimes it’s hard to see through the fog but there is a beyond that.

    Time.
    Is there ever enough time? Is there such thing as too much time? The right time? The wring time?
    Like with anything in life there is no perfect, and no perfect timing. If you have felt it it was a nice moment but still a coincidental illusion. No, I don’t believe in coincidences but rather that everything in life has a reason, purpose, no matter good or bad happenings but this is an entirely different tale. Let’s just say the mind wraps easier around the word “coincidence” and leave it as that.

    Waiting. We all wait too much for whatever, and the thing is, time slips right on by and before we know it….
    Poof, things changed already and then we adjust again. Wait. Wait for what?

    This digital romance is going into it’s sixth year and while in the beginning I was full of confusion, hope, longing and endless love it’s transformed into some strange online marriage with all it’s being for grantedness (is that even a word? Probably not). I am divorced and slipped right into the same shit just that now I would have the ability to press a mere button to stop it. Why don’t I? It’s not like I was ever more than a risk not to be taken. Or was I, am I? All that’s really left is the confusion of how the emotions can possibly be so profound and life altering. Maybe even that is nothing but an illusion, I don’t know.

    It has been 4 years now since last I saw my mom in person – yeah even here the digital age is a wonderful tool to keep close, isn’t it? Life goes strange ways and as everything there is a reason we weren’t able to visit. Weren’t able or just waited for a better time? The right time?

    I realize now, and it was always lingering in thought, there just is no right time and all the time there is – is the one slipping right on by leaving us wondering :
    What did I actually do with it?

    Self criticism. Never an easy thing, this glancing back, retrospective we call it. How honest are we with ourselves? Better be to the core because all we lie to in the end is nobody else but ourselves.

    There is still time to say how we really feel
    There is still time to do this or that
    There is still time to take this trip we always wanted
    There is still time to shape up and be a better me
    There is still time to make up for past mistakes
    There is still time to accomplish all those goals and dreams we have
    There is still time for apologies
    There is still time for thank you’s
    There is still time to discover true love
    There is still time…..

    What if there is not?
    Tomorrow is not for granted
    Nothing is for granted
    Nobody in our lives is for granted

    Content is not enough and will never be
    because tomorrow it just might be to late for happiness.
    Greedy me, I want it all!

    Freedom is mine and I have no idea what to do with it
    How strange is that?
    Where am I going
    What am I doing
    I don’t even know what it really is that I want
    What would make me happy
    Is it even possible to get there? There, where?

    I am so very fortunate in so many ways
    I am so grateful for everyone who has this engraved place in my life
    yet I feel that I am not grateful enough, not as I should be

    I am an introvert equally as I am an extrovert
    I am a happy person as much as I am dissatisfied
    I am seeking for something I don’t know what it is
    I am seeking the impossible
    I am seeking to live out my mind with all the contradictions

    Sunny side up and open arms await wherever it is that I am going.

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