I’m not really OK. I know every time we see each other, I act happy and I seem like I have things together, but really that’s all fake. But I can’t tell you why…I can’t tell you exactly what is wrong. Dad, you said you are proud of me. And Mom, I know you feel the same way. But when I hear it, I feel guilty. I don’t know what to say because if you knew what was really going on, it would destroy you. And I love you both so much that I can’t bear to see the smile fade from your faces. I know you would listen, and I know it would help to talk about things. And I know you would still love me and I would still love you, but I just can’t do it. I need you to still think of me as your little boy. Not as a man who has taken such a wrong turn. And since I can’t talk to you about it, I need to leave. I need to be disconnected from everything, from everyone. Even from you. I need to start over. To have a chance to be the innocent son you think me to be.
But I can’t go. I can’t have that distance I need. Because I also need you. You are the reason I feel guilty, but it’s not a bad thing. I look up to you is all. I want to be like you both. Because you have done it right. And I have done it wrong. People say college is a place to change. And I sure have changed. But I hate how I’ve changed. You raised me properly – I had such a great childhood. But I’ve thrown everything away now. I need to get it back. And so I have to go.
I’m sorry that I have gone full circle with this. I don’t want to mess with your heads. I just want you to know how much I love you, and how much it hurts that I have to say goodbye for now. I just need to fix myself. To make myself better. Because I want you to be proud of me, but I want it to be real. So goodbye, Mom, and goodbye, Dad. Please know that I will be thinking of you. Even though I won’t be able to contact you, even though I wont’t be able to see you. I will think of you, and I will return to you one day.
I love you,