I’m confused, though maybe there’s nothing to be confused about. I don’t know how to act in these situations, so avoidance seems like the only logical conclusion. What’s most confusing is that this does not seem the most logical tactic to everyone else involved. I am not interested in hurting anyone else – I don’t want to make anyone mad, sad, jealous, et cetera. Plenty of pain has been caused, so why make things worse by being connected to each other when it remains evident that trying to remain connected only brings drama? Granted, it is only one or two people trying to create this drama (I think), with me not being one of them (not at all intentionally at any rate). But how could I possibly become friends with and maintain a friendship with those that are on the other side of this drama? Because ultimately, the truth is that a healthy friendship could not be maintained with such opposing sides. And I am confused about both sides of the coin.
So why do people try? Doesn’t it make the most sense to let go completely? I once wanted to be friends and still think that we could be great friends given what we all have in common, but when it’s my friend versus your friend in constant battles to hurt one another, it seems highly unlikely that it could be maintained. But perhaps I am confusing politeness with caring. Or perhaps you all think it’s funny because I am obviously uncomfortable with contact? Or perhaps a part of you all feels the same way and wants to connect as well? I guess I just wish I could end or control the drama so I had a clearer picture of intentions. I don’t know how to weed out genuineness from the drama that has been created. I’m too scared to try to involve myself again and find out. I’m not my friend and I don’t control my friend’s actions, but the energy it takes to hear about the drama, much less be somehow associated with the drama, is so incredibly draining that it’s hard to see any kind of friendliness as a viable option.
But of course I am rambling. I could be a joke, I could be nothing, I could be missed, I could be forgotten. I’m sure I don’t matter, so why do I bother thinking about this… but I just wish that things were the way I think they should be in my head, cut ties and everyone moved on… but I guess all or nothing thinking might somehow be dumb on my part. I guess a girl can dream….