• The Unsendable Letter

    by  • November 25, 2014 • Moving On • 0 Comments

    Dear CM,

    When I met you , I wasn’t planning to fall in love. I wasn’t even looking for a best friend. you changed all that. The attraction was electric and unexpected. You were the first person I showed the ‘real’ me to, and you appreciated me for me. In the short time we were together, you found out more about me than I had ever let anyone else know. I knew so much about you, and then again, so little.

    Even though I’ve only known you for two weeks, I feel like I’ve known you almost my whole life and I rarely feel that with someone I’ve only known for a few weeks. I kind of felt connected in a way like we were actually together. It’s been a while since I felt that happy. You know, like when you meet someone in class or at work you first talk about little stuff then the more you spend time together you are getting to trust each other. I really enjoy being with you and you will always be someone special to me. I wish I can make you forget all your worries, and give your tired soul a sweet rest. I wish I can give you an embrace to make your bones shiver less in cold.

    I can’t describe how much fun it’s to talk to you. Every time you talk to me, I smile and am so happy suddenly. I love your smile, but most of all, I fell in love with the person inside all of that. You make me laugh. You make me laugh a lot! You totally cracked me up. You also made me cry, and I hated that. Most of all, you make me feel alive. Your presence lights up every room, shimmering like the fragmented reflections of a thousand diamonds. And all I can do is stand in silence and bask in your light. It could be that I like you already. I wonder… Do I?

    I miss your stare and hugs. I miss hanging out with you and your family
    and learning about things your family talked about you when you were a kid. I miss making you happy. Every though is filled to the brim with the way that it felt to be touched by you. I’ve been having these dreams about you that wake me up in the night. The next moment I’m awake, reaching for you, and gasping for air; my subconscious unsatisfied by your absence. Every moment since 25 of May has been miserable and consuming.

    You had the ability to make me feel beyond feeling. I’ve never encountered someone like you- brilliant, radiant, understandable and unknowing. I like. I love. I hope. I want. I miss. However, I strictly can’t. It’s impossible without the mutual understanding of it. I don’t know if I’m seen a little more than someone to kill time with or am much more. To be honest, I don’t know whether this letter would help in mapping my feelings at the moment or if it makes sense.

    I’m afraid to tell you that I actually like you. As I got to know more about you and I started to feel like shit because you are by far a better person that I am, thinking “oh I’m not good enough”. And it’s true; you deserve better, way much better than me. I spent these past couple months thinking about you actually, creating memories of what it would be like to actually be with you, for you to actually like a person like me. You’ll probably never hear from me again, or even wanted to. Look at me, being a total fucking creep falling for you after knowing you for only couple weeks. But I guess you’ll never know, I;m not planning to tell you either because I already know the answer. I’m sorry, I’m just dumb. Maybe it’s loneliness speaking.

    I’m a master of avoiding eye contact, but I admit I steal glances out of the corner of my eye when I want to. My hear is spinning. I can’t seem to ground my thoughts. I want to talk to you. I think of you more often than I don’t. It hurts, because I’m constantly around people and have to act like I’m okay. I’m not okay. I feel like my insides are ripping apart with the mere though of seeing your smile and your hugs. I’m waiting, but I cant only be so patient.

    I love you, and although you have left an enormous gaping hole in my heart, I will never regret having met you and falling in love with you. Because I choose just enjoy this moment. This is life. If nothing else, I’m glad that I make the 2 weeks in your life (mostly) happy. You treated me like princess and it was one of the first times someone has ever made me feel that special. I remember you told me “I don’t want you to leave” before I’m leaving London. And yet, you’re the one that pushing me into depression. I just really miss you. And you’ll never understand how much it hurts me to admit that, because I shouldn’t miss you. You obviously don’t feel the same, which is still so strange to me. Not because I’m some sort of amazing person that deserves to be missed. But because you make me believe I was amazing in your eyes. And like a fool, I believed you. Did I make it that easy for you to walk in and out of my life? You’ll never be mine. I always tell myself that. But deep down, I had this tiny hope that you are.

    I don’t know if or when you’ll read this. Hopefully if you do, you can don’t see it as a way to make you upset but a place in our life that matured us and made us stronger for the future.

    After so much time and deliberation I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to let go of you. Maybe the best way to move forward is to cut and close this chapter. I wish I could say I was over you. But why are there tears streaming from my eyes?

    Never again yo hear your voice. Never again to see your smile. Never again to feel your touch or to laugh at something you have done or tell me. Never again just quietly enjoying being together and enjoy talking to someone who understand me. None of my friends can understand the pain. It is totally beyond understanding. I’m determined to get to a stage where 95% of the time when I think of you, I will smile at wonderful memories we shared. I know that you always want me to be happy. I want the same for you too.

    I cry a lot, I wail a lot and I miss you immensely. How could I now? In such a short time, you become my everything. You expanded my horizons, you saw the real me. It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. I will never forget you or the incredible ‘gift’ you gave e by being you.

    I will never let a guy do that again. From now on, my walls are staying up. Way up. And to my future self, you may or may not be with you. If you are, be careful, if you don’t, I hope you find someone who made you fee ten times better. Don’t get lost in memories. However, emotions will always overwhelm logical thoughts. Even if the feelings won’t come back either way… You should stop living in the past. That’s what I think, yet I want to meet you, want to see you more. But slowly, I’ll continue down my path away from you because as much as I want this to work, it never will. I’m sorry, but the apology is more for myself. You’ll need to move on, with this winter coming it probably won’t take long. I guess I’ll regret for not trying to give us a shot out of fear.

    With all the love my heart could possibly contain,

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