• post breakup heart

    by  • November 24, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 1 Comment

    ?Andrew,
    I still love you. A week ago, I wouldn’t have guessed that you’d induce as much pain as you do. I found out a lot of things about the us this past week. I discovered I truly love you more than I could’ve said. I also learned that you were all I wanted. I had you. And now, all of this feels… wrong. ?It’s a gut feeling, an instinct, but I can’t decipher what is wrong. I don’t know if I should’ve fought for you or if I should keep fighting to get over you. You set the bar so high up. And with that, dropped me from so far up. Everything hurts. Specially your presence, because it’s gone. And I still have the photographs. They sting and bruise my heart. I am fascinated by the colors but I hate the mark you’ve left behind. I have your multicolor ink pen. That’s you. And I don’t want to use it for fear that you’ll stain more things in my life. My clothes all smell like your apartment. I saw one of your white t-shirts in my suitcase. Your smell still lingers. The deodorant I loved smelling every time you hugged me, or rather, when I hugged you. You are haunting everywhere. At the store, in the radio, when every joke comes hitting me back leaving a breathless impact. I am so disoriented that I smelled the shampoo you use at the store. My fingers itched to touch your hair again. You have beautiful hair. You are beautiful. My breath used to get caught in my throat in the shower, when you just stared at me with your hypnotizing eyes. And your skin is so soft. I am battling myself right now. I think so many things of this. I want to believe that we were never meant to be, to ease the heartbreak. I want to blame me. I want to realize that I’m just not your match. I want to blame you. All i have besides my bitterness is the shame of being incapable of keeping someone as good as you. So, I blame you. I blame you for not falling in love with me. I blame you for not really loving me. For seeing me as just another one. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a soul thing. Love’s fighting, in my eyes. Love is not giving up. That’s probably what hurts the most. All the times that I had my eyes wide open, my consciousness aware, I knew that we are on different levels, and anyone could see that, I told myself that it was a selfless thing to do. I lied to myself and said that I was ready to give you up so that you could find happiness. And that is the most valid reason I have for not crawling back to you. You deserve better. I was willing to do that. But I simply couldn’t. I was far too in love with you to let you go. I wanted to savor every moment I had with you, even if i knew our days were numbered. Still, I didn’t control myself. I fell with every day we spent together. You angered me so much, for not being this aware that the day we ended would inevitably come. And when it did, you were so ready, as if I was nothing. Another reason to not cry my hear out at your door. And maybe it did break my heart every time I wanted romance. Maybe I died inside the times that I thought of never being the girl you’d bring home to your mom, loud and proud of having each other. The girl you’d take everywhere with you because you were that in love. The girl you’d choose over your friends at times. The girl with the future together. And that’s why i couldn’t see us having a long term relationship. Because I was protecting myself from the despair of rejection. I think I hate you for being the strong, determined, polite, nice guy that you are. And maybe I hate you even more because despite being that, if you truly loved me, you would’ve come back. But you didn’t and I understand. This is just me trying to cope. But I know that I will overcome this, sooner or later. That’s also why the “we can still be friends” never works. But, from the source of my aches, I want you to know those four months were amazing next to you. You did more for me than anyone else ever. I don’t regret you one bit. that leaves me with a smile on my face. This, too, shall pass.
    Sincerely, Samantha.

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    One Response to post breakup heart

    1. A
      December 2, 2014 at 10:00 am

      It hurts me too. A lot more than I could ever acknowledge. Throughout it all you always treated me so much better than I’m used to women treating me. I should have loved you. I wish I met you earlier.

      We can’t be friends. You know that already. You have a boyfriend. I have been friend zoned so many times in my life. I can’t let that happen with you. Besides it just hurts to be around you, thinking about what could have been. When you see me do I ever look happy? When I see you it just makes me hate myself, I could have been with you all along instead of being so lonely. You would have made me happy. When you smiled at me earlier I became really happy for about a second until I remembered you were taken and my chance with you has long past.

      I have to avoid you. I’m sorry.




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