Your indifference hurt me. You hurt me. I don’t know why it is so difficult to get over it. I don’t understand why it still hurts. It’s been… It feels like it’s been an age. But I’m still in pain. One that I am sometimes successful in ignoring but it hits me like I turned on a shower of bricks whenever I let my guard down.
Is it because you were the first guy I opened up to? Is it because I let my feelings seep too deep over the years we knew each other? Or is it refusing to accept what’s right in front of me that’s dragging on this nightmare?
Whatever the reason, this sucks and I can’t wait for it to stop. You suck, your indifference sucked, feeling like the aftermath of a drone attack sucks and being left alone to clear up the debris of the damage sucks. I hate feeling so vulnerable, I hate feeling hurt and I hate how needy and alone I feel. The insecurity of being so easily discarded and cast away. I hate that it is a mark that has become a part of me and my story.
It will eventually become history. Something that happened way back when. I will eventually stop being in pain. It will eventually heal maybe scar but I will one day forget it’s even there. And that day I won’t be putting on a brave face trying to ignore my feelings. That day I will be brave because I’d have the memory of surviving this. Clearing up this mess on my own.
The strength it will require of me is what I’ll remember. The pain you caused and I witnessed passively will just be the catalyst that sped up my self discovery.
Until then, willingly or not, I have humiliation and confusion to keep me company.
The girl who was ready to love you for the rest of her life.