The full truth.
The one that makes me sound nuts.
There’s a reason why I dropped in on your life that goes a bit beyond what I’ve explained. You can’t cut me out. Maybe for now, but what’s worse than lurking your twitter here and there? Lurking your emotions. I can tap into you whenever I please. The thing is, sometimes you also send me some of your thoughts and emotions when you’re thinking about me. I already knew you were thinking about me, and I knew everything before you told me because even without contact, I have contact. You can’t cut it off. How do I know this? I’ve tried. It serves a purpose. We’re causing too much anxiety for each other now because neither of us is ready, but despite what cord cutting you think you’re going to be doing, I think you’ll find yourself just as surprised as I was when I made sense of it. I will not seek you out again, but when I’m ready, you’ll know. You’ll come find me. I don’t need to wonder about this. I feel a similar connection with my mother. There’s a reason why I always need to do right by her, because if I don’t, I will FEEL it. It’s the same reason why I can’t walk into a crowded mall or room without being anxious. I’ll pick up on other people’s energy at random, so until now I’ve shut it out. I don’t know what to make of it so it just feels like anxiety. Knowing things without having a right to know them. The reason why my last relationship was so hostile was because I would pick up on her manic energy, and become manic myself. It wasn’t until after much meditation that I realized it wasn’t me and I didn’t have to be crazy. I only had to get the hell away from crazy. I can tap into her as I please, as well, I just choose not to. When I held her letter in my hand, explaining how significantly less crazy she was, I scoffed because I could feel the crazy staining that letter. A few times in the weeks leading up to her letter I would get little tidbits out of nowhere about her being in the same area as me. I knew she moved somewhere close to me. I knew to look at that app to find confirmation that she was still stuck in old patterns, and I know where to find confirmation from you when I don’t want it so directly from your Twitter. ;] That’s the only reason why I lurked you. Just to see if that was you or me in my head. That’s the problem, and why I’ve stopped meditating and started self medicating. Sometimes those ties are so strong that I can’t decipher my own emotions and feelings or thoughts from other people’s. It’s really fucked up. Meditating is like releasing the flood gate. I get so many things that I have to write them down, and then it becomes a chore. I don’t tell people these things. My mom knows. She told me right before the final confirming moment for me. Her words were, “Well. You’ve always been…. very.. intuitive..” I could read it all over her. She blames herself for recent events because the secret about my father hurt me for a couple of reasons. 1. I knew I had a reason to be mad at my father still, and I knew it was a big one. I felt betrayed because he accepted my forgiveness without being fully honest about the extent of his wrong doings. 2. I FELT my moms grief. All at once. I felt my emotions, and I felt all of the grief she had to go through, and all of the emotions she still has surrounding it. I was already medicating myself to block you out. Being in contact with you again made our little connection just light the fuck up. You and my mother, I cannot control. I have no option of blocking you two out. So at that point, I hit a very dark place. When my mother and I aren’t speaking, we’re speaking. Same with you and I. One day of being sober and a woman recognized this “gift”. She said it’s overwhelming now, because it’s so much more than I even know. If I exercise that muscle, I’ll be unstoppable. I won’t just have the ability to tap into those around me or those that I share a deep connection with. I’ll have the ability to tap into anyone. Not only tap into them, but do what she did for me and clear up their roadblocks. I’ve always wanted to be a therapist (I bet you find that funny), but that’s the thing. I have something already programmed into me to want to heal. That’s why I sought you out. Even though I wasn’t ready, your thoughts indicated you needed to hear a few things out of me. If I just tap into my full potential everything in life will fall into place for me. She said I’m going about things all wrong. I’m making physical plans, and that’s not the task at hand. The task at hand is doing what I’ve already known needs to be done, meditating and listening. Everything else follows. My life’s destiny and you. She told me you won’t have a choice of staying away once that happens. She gave me a little piece of information about something big at work starting to take place. I didn’t want her to tell me what it was. I wanted to take a shot at it myself based on the emotions I’ve picked up around me. Bullseye. I’ve accurately picked up on the “big change on the horizon” that my boss was keeping low about. I asked her about it today and got the confirmation I needed. You think I’m out there when you listen to me talk, but you say it’s oddly comforting. I want you to try and guess this time. I know this is intense, but for me it was a huge weight lifted directly after sending my last physical message to you. I’m not blocked anymore. As for what bothers you the most about this situation, there’s a reason for that as well. Confirmed by the other intuitive, as well as the little thoughts I push to the back of my mind. I get it now. I can’t wait for you to see how this plays out. You’re angry and resentful now, I know. We do owe each other a thing or two, despite how you feel about it. It’s beyond us, so don’t worry about it too much. You’ll see.