• Sometimes I wonder …

    by  • November 19, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 17 Comments

    Sometimes when I’ve got time to sit alone and think I wonder what the future holds. I wonder whether the efforts I’m making here will work … I wonder if I actually want it to work. I try to imagine what my life would be like in the alternate worlds – here … or alone.
    I also think about you during those times, I wonder what exactly it is between us … I wonder how strong the feelings are, how deep they go. I don’t think I let myself think about it too much on a day to day basis. I think about you a lot (all of the time in fact); I miss you, I know that; I feel calmer and more able to cope when I’ve been with you or chatted to you. There are times when I let myself have daydreams about it: we are going to sleep together; waking up together; I’m coming home from work to you; I’m making breakfast or dinner and you come up behind me and put your arms around me; this is our home; this is our life … then I think about what would have to happen between times, between the reality and the dream … and the dream shatters into a thousand pieces. It’s an impossible situation, with so much feeling and so little hope. We got ourselves into it, remain in it and certainly from my point of view I don’t want my life to be without you in it. But how sustainable is it like this? People would be only too quick to judge, criticise, condemn … but in the end nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in my life or yours; they don’t know what either of us have been through that led us to each other and I wouldn’t want them to know.
    Sometimes I do wish I knew more about how you feel though? We seem to be so careful and guarded about what we actually say to each other about how we feel. But really I want to know how deep the feelings go for you … not because I think it would make a difference to the situation or the outcome, but for reassurance because I guess I want to know that we are in this together, even though we are apart and have to remain so. I want to know that ‘it’ ; ‘us’ won’t just disappear, that you won’t go again and cut me off, that you will be some form of constant in my life … that you will be there and love me in whatever capacity we are able to love each other when we can’t be together. But I’m not brave enough to ask you … probably just in case you won’t answer, or the answer is not what I want to hear. I tend to err on the side of blissfull ignorance rather than making myself look and feel an idiot (self preservation I guess). So what is it that I want you to know that I struggle to tell you personally? I want you to know that you are such an important part of my life, that I can’t get by without you in my life, that I love you and I miss you … that I’m sorry that we can’t be together but that I think about you every day and without you there my life would be so much harder. That I do wonder whether one day in the future we might be together and that would be wonderful, but impossible to reconcile with life as it is at the moment. That’s all really, it’s been a longer letter than I thought it would be. Apparently it’s good to write feelings down, I guess I do feel better getting it out of my head and being honest about it … I still don’t think I’m brave enough to send it though xxx

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    17 Responses to Sometimes I wonder …

    1. In the north
      November 19, 2014 at 12:52 pm

      Beautifully written. Makes me think of my ex so much, it still hurts. I hope you give a chance to who ever this lucky person is, things may not always be perfect, but sometimes they are worth the battle.




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    2. Luna
      November 19, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      True.Tell your person.She is just probably waiting for your move. Just make sure you are sober while telling her how you feel.




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    3. Me73
      November 19, 2014 at 4:23 pm

      The two previous comments are by people with names I find coincidentally ironic. I can relate so very much and if the other part of my heart were to express this I would have to reply that I’m here to stay, I’m sorry about before, and that I understand the way things are. I daydream too often still I will always keep a little bit of hope locked away deep down inside of me.




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    4. Envy
      November 20, 2014 at 7:29 am

      And sometime I wonder why some people are so afraid to commit to each other. No one said love was easy, but when you find the right one, the fight is worth it.




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    5. Author
      November 20, 2014 at 10:54 am

      Thanks so much for the nice comments. This letter is from female (me) to him and in some ways I wish so much he could see it (or that I was brave enough to send it) but in other ways I worry it might complicate what we have if he did. Our situation is so complicated and difficult. He’s everything to me but we can’t be together, certainly not at this point in our lives anyhow. It makes me think about destiny, karma and the reasons why some people come into your life. He makes everything better and probably has no idea how much I love him; though I do know we mean a great deal to each other I’m not certain whether it is mutual ‘love’. Funnily enough he showed me this site a couple of years ago, though I’m not sure he remembers he did so as he was very drunk at the time lol!! I’m desperate to tell him how much he means to me … but scared silly at the same time!




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    6. In the North
      November 20, 2014 at 11:05 am

      These days no one wants to fight for it, they just would rather give up, stay silent and deal with the hurt. In my case, I guess I fought too late.




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    7. He Has Seen It
      November 22, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      I felt every word from a male’s perspective reading this. Every sentence, every word, every emotion…You sound exactly like she is & I him..? Alternate worlds, cutting you off wasn’t my intention for you to played a part in my departing? I wouldn’t care what others thought or judged us because of our pasts. If you truly love them & believe they are your soulmate then unless they are incarcerated, which I’m not, nothing should be able to stop you. We only have one life & time waits for no one. I too revealed this site to her a couple of years ago. I’m smiling right now for I know I am fooling myself here…yet what the heck! To hear those words would bring a response that may surprise you ;D




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    8. Author @ He has seen it
      November 22, 2014 at 2:52 pm

      @ He has seen it:
      Wow that’s weird! I keep reading and re-reading your comment and have gone back and forth on whether to reply. I’m not in the habit of game playing or kidding myself, in truth I’m fairly private and not very good at expressing my feelings … but I guess part of me still hopes you were him (I’m sure we all do on this site to some extent!) Some of what you say is confusing to my/our situation, mainly that I don’t know what part I would have played in him cutting me off? That was his decision because of his circumstances/plans and I made it clear at the time it wasn’t what I wanted, though obviously we came back together later on. Oh I don’t know, in many ways this site is extremely therapeutic … but I also think it can mess with your mind a bit :(( I don’t want to start kidding myself; in truth all I ideally want at the moment is for us to be honest with each other and to know how deep his feelings for me go … mainly I guess to help me feel more secure about him (and not to keep giving him grief because I think he doesn’t care much about me … though in fairness he does have a shit memory!!) In all my life I can count on three fingers the people who I have fallen in love with … and he is one of them. I still ‘love’, but I believe you can only be ‘in love’ with one person at any one time. Truth is (if by any far and away chance you were ‘him’) the way things are I am no way brave enough to tell him how I feel. If you were ‘him’ there are so many things you could say which would absolutely prove we are talking to the right person (as you seem to believe there’s a chance of that from your comment) … names of places, numbers, phrases etc. If you are of a mind to then give it a go, I guess there’s nothing to lose on an anonymous site!! 😉




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    9. T
      November 26, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      @ he has seen it: I am assuming you don’t want to
      comment any more?




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    10. @T
      November 27, 2014 at 3:16 am

      No the exact opposite in fact…it has made me quite emotional & I wish to answer it to the best of my ability. Soon, I promise. I am working too much ATM & am tired alot.




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    11. Sometimes I wonder . .
      November 28, 2014 at 1:06 am

      . . . too.




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    12. @Author
      November 29, 2014 at 8:57 am

      Please bare with me here as I am he who thought he may be…This site can & does draw people into them believing it is their “love” for many have similar tales that we connect with, down to a tee on occasion? I haven’t been on here for so long as I lost myself here once when I had a broken heart & as I stumbled across this site that had so many loving souls releasing their emotional anguish, I answered letters that mirrored what I perceived to be her. Ironically she was on here, as I found out when it was too late, FACT, & we sent letters or commented back & forth sometimes to those letters unknowingly(at least for me). This is why it has taken me time to respond for your letter as the more I read your comment I now doubt you are she…? I say this for I don’t wish to give false hope to a woman who from what I have read is beautiful inside & out from what you’ve written.

      She was the greatest love of my life to date & also the shortest. My longest was a baker’s dozen & it paled in comparison to what I believed to be a match made in heaven. It was rare for we fell in love at first sight & I know many would say otherwise for I never believed in it till then either that evening yet now when I hear people disbelieve its possible, then too me it means they have never truly experienced such a rare & heavenly meeting…! When both our gazing green eyes focused in unison they burned ever so intensely. It was like a Sun had just been born & illuminated limitless rays of light which was the beginning of our love for each other.. I have never felt that feeling since & may never again. It was also the shortest time I’ve been with a soul-mate & like you I have only been in love three times in my life, including her. I always believed from reading spiritual books that the “third love” of your life was meant to be our “true love”. That very first night we met at “Clarence’s”, then onwards bound to many a venue till I took you to the best jazz bar in town. It only got better from there…It was nothing short of magical as our two souls instantaneously entwined emotionally & by the next moon physically! To say why & how we became no more is another story & nobody needs to hear it for there is enough information here for her to know it is I…A man who was lucky enough in life to meet such a woman who must have been an angel in disguise for we soared above the heavens till he fell from grace & lost his will & way when he is father was in his final stages of death. It was the hardest time of my life & even though I have been around death before none compared to him for I was so close to him. I never realised how much I loved him till he was gone. I lost her one week before he passed. I understand now why she had to leave…I didn’t back then lol. I said things that she never deserved nor needed & in hindsight I was to mainly to blame regardless if it takes two to tango. A tough year later & I can now speak of him & smile without becoming an emotional wreck.

      See dear author I highly doubt I am he or you she even though I would love for some the one lost dream I wish to be found once more, I am under no illusions now. I loved her & part of me always will even from afar as love once given freely they always have a piece of our heart & we the memories we shared in exchange. Thank you to any that have read this far for I’m smiling whilst I write this & remember we all have to keep going for life doesn’t stop for anyone & we only have one life.

      In Hebrew my name means “Beloved”




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    13. @ He has seen it
      November 29, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Hi, thankyou so much for your lovely letter it was an honour to read your story and thankyou for sharing it with me. You are not the person this is written to but you obviously knew that anyway. I know what you mean about this site drawing you to believe a connection and, despite my misgivings I admit I did so want to believe you were him. I think in all reality I am kidding myself with him. I love him so much but I don’t think he loves me back, at times I’m not even sure he even cares about me too much … sometimes he can say such lovely things and other times he makes me feel I’m the most unimportant thing in the world (he did it only tonight by FB message). I feel a little silly really to believe it was him, but I’ll take comfort in the fact that you and I were both hanging onto something there for a while and it’s nice not to give up hope I guess … maybe it’s time that I did though I feel I’m likely to just get hurt in the end. Perhaps one day I will tell him all of this, tell him how I really feel … maybe that will be the way I can move on. The trouble is though I don’t want anything more than him … and the more I come to realise that the more hopeless I seem to feel the whole situation is :(( I really do wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you find the happiness you deserve as you sound a lovely person. T X




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    14. @ T...Author
      December 1, 2014 at 1:45 am

      Young lady you are doing what she did with me! GO & speak with him face to face, think about what you wish to say even write in down. By what you’ve said I believe he does live you. The majority of men including myself…if they utter the words “I love you” its because we do. He would want to see you often, take you out, spend his time with you basically. If its early on just go with the flow for the longer you two see each other the more your souls will entwine as one. I wish I spoke up straight away how I felt, when I was upset, not bite my tongue when I knew deep down I should stand up for myself(I slowly lost my masculinity in my & her eyes & thus she then would have respected me less & so forth) Take that risk, chase your dream which is him, we should all be more forthright & by doing that we know where we stand & have taken that leap of faith for what have we too lose for been idle we lose out anyway. I can testify to that! I can laugh at it now too. Silly me:)

      Wherever your journey leads you always remember we all want to be loved & love for there is nothing greater, We learn from these hard yet sometimes necessary heart aches & grow from them. Never become dismayed or bitter from a failed relationship(I have fallen from grace & looking back on it what good did it do me-none it made things worse)They are never nice nor wanted yet look at us all on here. We all will find our true love one day, when that day is I don’t know yet it will happen. May you have a for filling & wonderfully limitless happy life filled with much love surrounding you.

      Sending you compassionate love from a 30 something year old man who finally has become a real MAN.




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    15. In the north@ 30 something year old man
      December 1, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      From a males perspective, would it even make a difference if you were approached by someone who wanted to make things work? Someone you “loved” at one point? Only asking, as I feel as though I’d be on a fools errand to even try, though he never really made his final feelings clear, just more or less cut ties.




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    16. @In The North
      December 2, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      The fool is they who didn’t try for what is the worst thing that could happen? Your rejected. At least you know then where you stand & you receive some form of closure which will allow you to heal quicker & move forward in your life with your head held high/ Its how we act & what we take/learn from these horrible times that we become stagnant or grow & become a better person from it for life is about learning(I’ve learnt so much in the last 18 months). Doing nothing I’ve learnt is as others have said on here – it’s reveals you don’t love them in a sense for its the same as walking away & always regretting or wondering. Why would you do that to the one you love?

      It must have been so hard on her seeing/feeling me become emotionally distant in our final months. I wasn’t there for her emotional needs which I now see. Hindsight is great lol. I made this mistake & it was the most painful(hardest) mistake(lesson) in my life. If it didn’t happen I wouldn’t now be the man I’m truly happy to be now. It has taken a phenomenal amount of work I can assure you. Too many ppl in life I believe don’t heal properly & do things to make themselves a better person for themselves not others. Too many ppl end up repeating those same mistakes later on down the track? All the best & I hope it works out for you & then some. Well off to the land of dreams for me as its morning & I’ve been on night shift. Home time ;D




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    17. In the North @ 30 something year man
      December 4, 2014 at 9:37 am

      Appreciate your insight, tried, and found no resolute to even contact him. Seems I am undertaking moving on without even the decency of a reasoning why our relationship dissolved. Much like you, he became emotionally and physically distant, at this point I would’ve much preferred hateful words, to silence. Just trying to be positive in the fact that some very good friends at least came from it, although, I find myself missing him and his children immensely. Time to take some reflection time. Thank you for your positive words and kind thoughts.




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