• Confession

    by  • November 19, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 2 Comments

    Hi. Its me. Hayley. You know me. You have known me for five years. I have always wanted to send this text, and right now I’m doing it. Look, this is going to sound crazy. Its crazy to me. It makes me look like a complete psycho and has ruined my mind and my life. I’ll never, ever be the same. Each day it breaks me down, crushes me into nothingness and oblivion made of sadness and darkness and emptiness and pain that only I could ever feel. The deep dark secret I have kept all of this time is plain and simple. I’m deeply, madly, in love with you. And that’s just the way it is. I know how wrong it is. And that’s why I’m broken. That’s why I’m not the person I was five years ago. That’s why I’m laying in bed with waves of you flooding over me. Wishing you were here to hold me in your arms. Just writing this breaks me beyond my capacity of pain. I see you all the time. We talk, and I have worked so hard these past years to get close to you, and I’m still working on it. Of course you don’t know I love you. No one knows. No one could guess because its out of context. Purely inappropriate. When I see you its like an out of body experience. Just the slight touch of your hand on my skin makes me feel like I just got electrocuted with a high voltage shock. But at the same time I’ve never felt more comfortable. When you say my name I love my name. Everything that you do is magic. Your words, the way they roll of your tongue makes it like the earths gravity and oxygen are just dancing together, as if everything is perfect in those moments. Because it is. When you dance its like the wind blowing ever so slightly over a field of those flowers that people blow on and make wishes on. Because you’re the only wish I’ve ever had. I love you, and its an eternal thing. Even beyond eternity, beyond infinity. And if nothing else, I want you to know, to know it with your heart and mind and soul, that no one has ever or will ever love you as much as I do today. As I did yesterday, and as I will fifty years from now. It never ends. It never will end. Infinity has met eternity, and that’s longer than forever. You are the most beautiful creature the earth has ever seen. You do not and will not ever care for me like I care for you, but that’s okay. Its completely okay. It wouldn’t make sense. The universe would be off balance. It couldn’t handle a love such as this. I can already hear it cracking from the unbalance of my love for you. It goes beyond any and all boundaries of nature. You are my soulmate. And someone’s soulmate can be one sided. You are mine, but I am not yours. That’s the way it is, and the way it needs to be.

    2 Responses to Confession

    1. Gina
      November 19, 2014 at 9:41 pm


    2. Author @mypastself
      September 30, 2015 at 9:41 pm

      Dear Past Me,

      I am writing this on October 1 of 2015.
      Your dreams are not coming true and they won’t ever.
      Everything has fallen apart, and continuing to do so.
      You are tearing yourself apart, limb by limb.
      You are willingly feeding yourself poison, and you are enjoying the taste.

      I am sorry that you will have to go through this, and I wish you knew.
      I wish you could’ve ended it all right then and there before you got to the pain.
      It’s right around the corner, and you will want to die.
      You will want what is even worse then death.

      You have been betrayed by the one who Breathes Black Magic.

      The one you spent night after night day after day thinking of how lovely, how beautiful, how much you loved and adored every inch of her skin.
      You grew to trust, and confide in your wrong love.
      You were never showed anything but cruelty in return and it continues to get worse, and all you’ve ever been, all you are, is young.

      I think you always knew. You were smart enough to know poison and deceit, you’ve always been.

      Be strong, stay strong, know what you have to do.

      Because as of now, you are failing and continuing to fail.

      You are still poisoning yourself, and the air that you breathe.

      Snap out of it.
      Breathe, relax, I wish you could’ve done so.

      Always remember, poison never become an antidote, dreams as insane as these do not come true, gasoline does not put out fire, and that perceived Saint is nothing but the Devil.

      Stay red and powerful.

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