• A Good Husband

    by  • November 19, 2014 • Guilt • 2 Comments

    I loved you the day I first met you in grade school, and now we are almost 30. We’ve been together for nearly half our lives. You were my first relationship, and that was all I needed because I knew then and still know now that there is nobody else who is more kind, caring, and loving than you are. The only problem is, I feel those traits are no longer focused on me. I understand you’re been through a lot over the past few years, and a ton more recently. I am exhausted. You used to appreciate the little things I do, such as random bouquets of flowers, or other thoughtful gifts and actions I have been and still continue to do in order to show my infinite love for you and make an effort to brighten your day. One month from now, we will be together since our first date 13 years ago. I still have the ticket stub from the movie theater, along with nearly a hundred other trinkets and mementos of our time spent together over the years. I fully understand what had happened was nobody’s fault, and also how you think and feel is beyond your control. Until recently you avoided seeking help. You were always a little quirky, but had always been able to calm down after a few days. Now, you seem to be stuck in a vortex, where you can’t seem to see the light (In my opinion, you’re not really looking too hard.) Deep down, in the very core of my heart and soul, I honestly believe you will not be able to recover fully. It breaks my heart to say that, mostly because I believe it to be true, and nobody should have to describe their soul mate in such a manner. I am very good at keeping a straight face and am very laid back. I know you can tell that I am wearing thin. I can barely stand hearing your voice, probably because it is not the voice of the girl that I met years ago, nor is it the voice of the woman that I married, but it is a voice that has nothing positive to say, it is a voice that worries, it is a voice that complains, it is a voice that cries. I dare someone to say that I should be more caring, sympathetic, and supportive. You keep saying that you are worried about dying from every little symptom you get because f***ing WebMD tells you that you have a serious disease. To date, you’ve had (according to the internet) nearly 20 different cancers, although weekly trips to the ER and nearly daily trips to the doctors have proven that you are perfectly healthy. Maybe you should listen to your loved ones when they tell you everything is Ok, and everything will be Ok, instead of spending every waking moment in fear that you are dying. We are all dying one way or another. Me? I’m dying mentally and emotionally. You can’t spend your life worrying about dying, because at that point, you really have no life worth living. I haven’t received affection in 5 months. I have so much love and affection to give, and have nobody to receive it. I am always being told by friends, family, and OTHER women that I am the most loving, caring, romantic, chivalrous, thoughtful person and husband they know. I want to prove them right. As mentioned before, I am wearing thin and am focusing my last bits of energy on making this work. I don’t want to have to focus my energy elsewhere.

    2 Responses to A Good Husband

    1. Jane
      November 19, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      You’re a good man and you’re doing the best you can. I hope she finds the light and strength to get over her depression. You can’t let someone else’s darkness swallow you whole.

    2. John
      November 20, 2014 at 9:21 am

      Stay strong, brother. Remember your vows on your wedding day. “For better or for worse” I can tell you still love her. As Jane mentioned, “you can’t let someone else’s darkness swallow you whole.” Your #1 priority should be your own health (mental, physical, and emotional), because you cannot help your wife unless you yourself are 100%. Depression is a terrible thing. You seem like a great guy. Keep your chin up, and remember that she does love you back.

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