• A personal vow.

    by  • November 18, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 5 Comments

    This is the story of the guy no one picks. The sideline jockey of life. By now I am 26 and have yet to experience intimacy. My friends are slowly falling away as they get married or otherwise engaged in a relationship without room for simple me. I know, I’m still young, I have a lifetime ahead of me. But unlike many people I’ve lived a lifetime worth of good and bad experiences. They left a mark on me that scarred me as the outcast, the freak, so to say. One glance and an average human being prefers to turn around and walk away from me.
    I don’t wallow in self pity, I don’t drown in negativity, but I’m a marked man with a backpack big enough to leave it’s shadow over my soul. Partially due to this, I have the amazing ability to turn everything I do into a disappointment. Something I’m involved in is simply somehow doomed to fail. Every single time I build something of meaning, I give all I have. To see it destroyed time and time again is discouraging, but so far I am too stubborn to let that stop me from trying again. I like to see myself as a practical guy with a love for logic and reason. This allows me to make the following promise to myself:

    I will try with all that I am and with everything that I have, to improve my life. I will try to find the love and respect I desire. If I turn 30 and I have not achieved the happiness and the sense of belonging I need, if I have not found that special someone, then that’s it for me, I’m out. The game of life is only worth playing up to a point. On my 30th birthday, when I’m still this alone, I will commit suicide.

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    5 Responses to A personal vow.

    1. Ms. C
      November 18, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      …I know I don’t know you, I don’t know your situation, or have any right to tell you what to do with your life. I can tell you however that your not alone in how you feel. I once felt similar but different to you. I didn’t think I’d see 30! Then 40! Sometimes maybe even tomorrow but so much can happen…does happen as I’m sure a logical And a reasonable person can understand. In a span of 10 yrs at your age I lost an extremely important person in my life, was a single mother with a boy who had emotional and learning disabilities, had been in a car accident that took away the use of my right arm and produced constant back pain I still have, living pay check to pay check. I did not give up, I persevered, I took on a lot of work, I set goals, I tackled obstacles, and I cried a lot! At 30, I was about as average as anyone else except no degree, so I went back to school, became top of my class on purpose, bought a house, and finally got the attention I wanted. At 40, I now have who I want and almost what I wanted. Things change and change takes time. It’s great your giving yourself at least four years but what are your goals by the end of that and what obstacles do you need to overcome? Aim a little higher because I bet you’ll surprise yourself! Good luck:)!




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    2. MK
      November 18, 2014 at 12:47 pm

      Obligatory, “suicide is not the answer”.

      However, you seem to be full of bad luck! Listen, a special someone’s job is not to make you happy. That’s yours. Special someone is there to supplement the happy.

      You’ve been playing life with a shit hand, it’s unfair, I know. So you have to be smarter than your average joe to succeed. I have faith in you. You can do it. I can do it. Let’s win this shit.




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    3. S.
      November 18, 2014 at 6:33 pm

      I am fully aware that a special someone’s job isn’t to make me happy. It would be unfair to demand this from someone you care deeply for. However the reverse is, live without for long enough and you start missing it. An old friend of mine just got married and though I believed to have suppressed certain desires, this experience shed a new light on my own life. I don’t make friends easily and I’m certainly not the flirtatious type. Due to my own past I’ve always been afraid to hurt those closest to me, so I tend to keep people at a safe distance. A certain loneliness becomes unavoidable though. Now to clarify: I didn’t post this because I was looking for a pet on the shoulder and a “There, there, everything will be alright”. I’ve heard all the cliches you can possibly imagine. I’m also not suicidal, I have a strong desire to live, but I want my life to not just be my own. Possibly that’s partially why I decided to put this online in an anonymous environment. I feel life becomes pointless when I am unable to really enjoy it. If I have no one else to live for, I’m slowly running out of reasons to stumble over the same old disappointments. The causes always change but the disappointments have so far remained unchanged. This becomes frustrating and incredibly tiresome, up to a point where it is no longer worth the effort. That point is something I want to have full control over, hence my decision. I do think things through, I don’t act out of a whim.




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    4. MK
      November 21, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      I don’t have something encouraging to say to that really. I wish you luck, S. You seem like a smart person and it’s a shame you feel like you are leading a pointless life.




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    5. wyxia
      January 29, 2017 at 4:35 pm

      30’s when real life begins




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