Remember when we talked about black snake moan? How I loved slj and you loved jt? We both agreed it was a good movie, and a fine example of jts acting chops. Well there was something else i wanted to say:
I get panic attacks sometimes.
Not that often, maybe only two in my life. But they are terrifying. I remember the first one I had, back in high school. I was feeling fine, then out of nowhere I started crying for no reason. With my tears my breathing started coming faster and faster til I was hyperventilating. Then I started losing feeling throughout my upper body. It started in my fingers, worked its way up my arms to my chest…if it makes any sense I could feel the lack of feeling gradually spreading. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening but I was really scared I was dying. I was on a trip with one of the teams at my high school, everyone was laughing at me because I was freaking out. My coach started yelling at me because he thought I was od’ing. Eventually they got me in an ambulance and took me to the hospital. I’m pretty sure that’s the only time in my life I’ve ever been checked into a hospital. When I go back to my hometown I still get made fun of because I was spazzing out so bad.
The next time I had one was a couple years ago. Unlike the first time I think I know what set me off that time…I was on ‘vacation’, but about to come back. I had just met you a few months before and I guess we were having our first big fight because you weren’t talking to me. I didn’t want to come back because I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I’m not blaming you for this incident, I’m just being honest. Anyways I knew what was happening this time because it started the same way, uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, and loss of feeling. This time I also threw up like 8 or 9 times. I was with my dad, but he didn’t take me to the hospital or anything. He prayed for me for a couple minutes then left me alone in a dark room in our hotel suite. I remember screaming for hours at the top of my lungs for someone to help me but despite the fact almost my whole family was a room over, no one came in to help me. I think they just turned the volume up on the tv so they couldn’t hear me anymore. I eventually got through it, but I was really sick for like a week after that.
Anyways, I guess I’m bringing this up now because while I haven’t had an incident like that since, I feel the next one coming. I almost had one on Friday. My eyes started tearing up over nothing and the hyperventilating started up so I left work early cuz I didn’t want them to see me like that. I managed to calm myself down before it got too bad. But idk what will happen next time. Ik you don’t really know what’s going for me now but I HAVE to keep my shit together through this week. One of the most important events in my life is coming up and I have to be 100%.
I can’t talk to anyone about this. Everyone who’s ever seen me like that had either made fun of me or just pretended like it wasn’t happening. I just wish you could be there for me when I need you. I know if I could put my head in your lap, and you stroke my hair and tell me it’s gonna be ok that it would calm me down and get me through.
In other words, you’re my Christina ricci.