We all have dreams. Some, more than others, have very unrealistic dreams. For those whose life goals are so out of the ordinary and so unlikely to happen, back up plans seem all that more common. I am one of the dreamers. Just like so many other kids, I grew up wanting to be a star – a singer or an actress – and I honestly still hold on to that dream and believe that it could happen to this day.
But as a child of immigrants who grew up in a small town, the odds have never seemed to be in my favor. The easiest way to success was always to go to college and study something with a high pay so that I could live a comfortable life.
Although my lifestyle would be comfortable, I would not.
I always seemed so capable of anything. When I was born, my eyes were wide, and I heard the cheers and chants of medical students as they watched me enter this wretched world.
At 8 months, I spoke my first word, but I must admit that I was slow when it came to walking. The truth is, I had the look, and maybe the brains, but I would never be able to win the race.
There was always so much expected from me. I crumbled under the pressure. My parents always told me that I could do anything, but when I finally admitted what I wanted to do, everyone just laughed.
But I couldn’t understand, why? When I was four, I sat in the car, singing away my soul, and I heard my parents turn to each other and say it themselves: I was a good singer. At every family reunion, they would brag, and when we met producers or other music related people out of the blue, they would bring it up.
So then why are they acting this way? I couldn’t understand, and I still can’t.
My career goal might be dead, but my life goal still hangs on by a thread, and is taking it’s very last breaths. I want to be happy, it’s all I’ve ever longed for.
When I was 9, I held myself tight and cried in the middle of the night whispering, “It’s okay, you’re half way there, you’ll get far away from here and never come back. You’ve made it this far, you can do it.”
But now, I’m not so sure that I can.
I’m still young, but not young enough. I thought too much of myself, and I don’t have enough money or talent to go to a good college. I’ll never be as good as my relatives, I ‘ll never be anything at all.
The thing that kept me going was the thought of, someday, having a family of my own that will love and understand me. But, I’m pretty sure that I can’t have that either. Let’s face it, if I were in the old days, I’d be stoned to death.
Everyday, I pray to God for a new start, and someday it’s better. Lately, it’s been better, but the past still haunts me, and the future is still everything that I fear.