• The hardest decision of my life

    by  • November 13, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 2 Comments

    The hardest decision of my life…

    I made mistakes, in my eyes she made the worst mistakes. She had done the unthinkable and it tore me apart. It took some time but I was finally moving on with my life, she made it easy. At first she made it a living hell after finding out my innocent girl, had sex with another man. The pain and agony I felt… The disgrace.. I wish that on no one. I was running in circles, fighting and holding on for dear life everyday. The way she looked, the way we held each other, the comfort I had with her..all that was gone. I sympathized for myself… Couldn’t really believe what had happened, actually happened. I mean how could it? She was perfect. It was my fault, I messed up and didn’t treat her right… I thought that for the longest time and although true at to some extend, never did I think she would do the things she did… Did I deserve this? My head was spinning around and around and everyday was a battle, knowing the girl of my dreams was in bed with another man at this moment. Forcefully I tried not to argue every time we spoke but how could I not when another man replaced me so fast… I was so angry.. So much anger built inside… I wasn’t perfect but I knew I didn’t deserve this. We had some hard times, we would have worked through it, it wasn’t to the point of no return… But then at some point maybe it did get to that point. I felt as she was tainted, my love of my life, was being sexually active with someone else. I bring this up so much because I still have the hardest time of my life every time I think about it. I slept with another girl, and I fell in love with another girl after 3 weeks of me and her breaking up. Now I don’t know what I want and want to work things back out with my her. Could she really imagine it being like that? Could she really tolerate the pain of that being true? If only it were true, maybe I wouldn’t have been the one in so much pain. But that is just selfish of me. All she had to do at anytime was come see me, driving 6 hours just to talk to me to try to make a difference and I would be with her right now.. That’s all I ever needed.. I kinda hoped maybe one day she would have showed up… Even though really I knew that would never have happened… But then.. She comes back, way later… Countless of pictures of him being there, where I was and was supposed to be. It was always supposed to be me.. That’s all I could think of. But she wants me back. Thinking that maybe I should give this girl a benefit of the doubt, I asked her to come see me, so I knew what I really felt by seeing her in person.. But I know what would happen.. I would just fall back in love again, want her again, suffer through the pain she has put me through again. In no way did I ever think that the other guy she had would ever go away. Maybe we are supposed to be together but who knows.. But right now I could not put myself through that pain again.. Especially after feeling it so much. Only she could really prove to me that she doesn’t want him, but ultimately I feel as when I’m not there again, he will be and she will be right back in his arms. All she had to do all along is choose me over him, it was wrong of me to ask but she couldn’t do it. And even if I told her I was finished now, If she truly loved me she really wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore.. Even after I turn her down.. But that would never happen. And that is why I made the hardest decision of my life… To keep letting go.. If she was honest of the way she loves me, she would fight and fight for me like I fought for her. But I don’t think that would happen. I don’t think she would sacrifice him over anything unless I actually was with her. I know things could work out, but why when I know she has a back up there, or maybe I was the back up.. I wanted to be the one and only and no one ever else cross her mind but in reality it’s not like that and hasn’t been for the longest time. I have chosen to live on with my life and continue living it without her. The hardest decision of my life. Not because I don’t think it will work but because I’m not the only one there and she hasn’t given me proof that she would let him go, or else she would have by now before approaching me. I wish the best for her even if that means being with him again.. Maybe she still is the love of my life and maybe one day we will be together again. But the time isn’t now. She’s not right for me and will only bring me down to a place I never want to go again… She wouldn’t do it on purpose but by her feelings for him, I wouldn’t be able to withstand that pain again. Sometimes life throws rocks at you, huge rocks that keep knocking you down leaving you all bruised and scarred… But eventually you learn to just dodge them because they hurt so much.. And that’s all I’m doing. Is dodging the painful rocks that are bound to hit me again… There’s so many unanswered questions I will never truly know. I will never know what truly should have happened. I could be making the worst mistake of my life, but if she is the one, she will be there when the time is right, if she’s not, then she wasn’t the one. Only time will tell… To my beloved girl… Maybe one day it will be me and you again… Walking down the aisle like I pictured… Being there by your side while our newborn baby came to the earth.. Making your dream home with my bare hands… Being the love story we once were… Maybe one day.. I loved you more than anyone could love somebody but all it did was destroy me in the end…. I’m too broken now to be the man I once knew I could be… This letter is to you. To the memories.. To our story. Best wishes for her. <3

    With the most love, Eddy.

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    2 Responses to The hardest decision of my life

    1. J
      November 13, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      I’ve waited for this letter for 7 months… I’m glad it finally came.


    2. E
      January 11, 2015 at 12:31 am

      J, why did you wait for this letter for 7 months? Is this your situation as well?



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