• So much left unsaid, no words to figure out the rest.

    by  • November 13, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    It’s been four years. It all started freshman year of high school when I first met you. You were a junior, and I was a silly freshmen. We both ran cross country and somehow that was enough. That was enough for me to fall for you so deeply that it’s four years later and I still feel the same way. It started at the end of the season at our last pasta party. I liked your best friend so you thought it would be funny to hook us up, but then I was cold and you came over and hugged me to keep me warm. Then we danced at homecoming and it was a joke for at first, but then you whispered in my ear and I can still feel your breath on my neck. I can still feel the butterflies it gave me. It hit my neck and into my pounding chest, down to my stomach fluttering, into my knees that made me weak, and into my toes which made me fly for the rest of the night. To be high off of nothing but a couple of words that meant nothing meant so much to me. I would KILL for just a couple more words from you. Any words at all. I took those words for granted, I know I did. And then we started talking and my world unfolded before me. Everything was falling into place. Every conversation we had is still a memory. I know when and where we had our conversations. I remember smiling on long car rides talking to you about how we’re going to get away and escape one day. I remember how my phone would blink blue when you texted me. I remember how my stomach would drop with every single blue flash. Dropped with excitement of course. It was so great until you lied. You lied and lied and I question every conversation. One day my sister came home and told me you were into drugs, so I asked you about it. You told me not to believe everything I hear, and then a week later you texted me during school completely gone. I knew something was wrong when you didn’t respond, and surprise, you were passed out on the bathroom floor. And that’s when we ended. All of our walks after school before lacrosse. All of our conversations that had meaning. All of our conversations that were so pointless but so special. Everything ended. You told me everything. And I didn’t stick by you. And that’s my biggest regret. I was lied to for so long. You hurt me so bad, my defense was to run away. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I didn’t stay. I couldn’t get hurt again. But then we ended up talking and becoming somewhat friends until you started dating the one person I hate more than myself. That’s when it all ended. Completely and totally. And that’s when the uncontrollable tears started and the shaking and the complete and utter self hatred. You taught me so much about myself, but you also lead me to destroy myself because I never got closure. I will always blame myself for what happened. There’s no way around it. You’re the only thing I think about. You’re the only thing I want. You have been there for me since the beginning and I just want to start over and be there for you now even though you probably have not thought of me once in the past 4 years. I just want to tell you how sorry I am and tell you how much you have changed me into a better person. I don’t take anything for granted anymore. I know how quickly things can change now. From the moment I first talked to you, I knew I was in love. And the last day I talked to you, I knew that would never change.

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