I think back on our time together and it’s painful how much regret I have. So many things I wish I could have done differently. So many things I wish I had said to you. So many conversations we needed to have but I was just too squeamish around you. I still want you. That’s all I really want. My ultimate truth is that you are the person I should be with for the rest of my life. I’m hanging on to this hope like my life depends on it. I want us to start over. I promise you it can be different than it was. WE can work, baby.
Sorry for my preamble ramble. As the title indicates, this letter really has nothing to do with me, or what I want. It has to do with something I’m not sure I’ve ever asked:
What do you want?
Do you want me to love you? Do you want to love me back?
Do you just want to be friends? I know when I’ve tried that in the past it never worked, but now I would just be so happy to have you in my life in any way.
Do you want me to leave you alone? Like, REALLY leave you alone. I was actually asked (in a very concealed fashion) during an interview how hard it was for me since you had left. I responded “Its hard, but the resourceful man always finds a way”. But if you had just had enough of me and you never wanted to hear from me again, I would honor that.
Maybe you just want some time? That may be the hardest of all these, just because it keeps me waiting and guessing. I feel like time is being lost, time that we could be creating beautiful memories. But I’ve certainly learned that what I want cant be obtained just on my end no matter how badly I want it. You have to want it too.
I once said I would give you anything you wanted. I still mean that. I love you A. I always have. And even if you hated me, or even worse you were just completely indifferent, I always will. I recognize that I’ve been very selfish. I speak in grandiose platitudes about always putting you first but my actions are contrary. I want to put my money where my mouth is for once. Even if that means this is goodbye, I’ll hate it, I’ll cry til my eyes are dry, but I’ll know I truly did right by you.
Tell me what you want. It’s yours.