• the truth is…

    by  • November 11, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 1 Comment

    i miss you. i love you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved besides my family. I never knew what it was to love someone until the day my nephew was born and my heart felt like it was ripping into pieces because you weren’t there to share it with me. I never knew what it was to love someone until i was unable to go 3 consecutive years without thinking of you every waking moment. The problem is, I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to want you. I don’t want to think about you. You hurt me, time and time again, even when you’re not trying to, and it’s killing me. I hear your name, my heart drops. I see you, my stomach gets sick with anticipation…I can’t look at any other man and be as happy and content as when i look at you, and it sickens me. You have never fought for me, not once, and I know i deserve better…and so do you… you have told me time and time again you cannot give me what i want and i have tried to move on with my life but something, i don’t know what it is, just won’t let me. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want someone who will be there, someone who will work through the hard times, someone who knows and understands that relationships aren’t easy, but are entirely worth it. I am such a romantic at heart and i have suppressed that side of me so much over the last five years that I couldn’t give you and show you what i probably should have when we first met and started this whole thing..and it’s far too late now. You are who you are, even before i met you, you were untrustworthy and unfaithful. I see amazing things in you but you refuse to see your potential and go for everything BUT the beautiful life that i envision you having. I want you. I want us. but that isn’t going to happen, at least not any time soon. It would take a miracle for you to become the man i know you can be, and to want me in the way i deserve to be wanted. I should have been upfront with you from the start. I was so scared that you would up and leave that i just tried to play it cool, pretend i didn’t care about anything but the physical aspects, and brush off all the important stuff. I knew what i wanted, i was just terrified to express it to you… and i still am terrified… how am i supposed to go on as friends with you knowing that i never told you that i almost had your baby? or that i am actively choosing not to love you because it hurts to much to even admit to myself how i really feel? you are everything i want, and nothing i need. you are everything right in the world, and yet everything wrong in it all at the same time. you are brilliant and smart and funny and kind… it’s terrifying to know that if your situation was different, i could literally spend the rest of my life with you and be completely and totally happy about it. I have never felt this way about someone before. I’ve believed that i was in love before, but there has never been anything like this in my life. there has never been anyone like you. one can only hope and pray, as i have been for the last three years, that these feelings either be taken away from me, or given to him as well so that one way or another, this chapter in my life could end. none of this was every supposed to happen… i wasn’t supposed to meet anyone at that birthday party. i wasn’t supposed to keep talking to you. i wasn’t supposed to fall for you.. falling in love with you was never in the cards when this whole thing started out….but that’s exactly what happened. i did meet you at the birthday party. i did keep talking to you. i did fall for you… and before i knew it, i was head over heels in love with someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t love me back. and i have spent every moment since the day we met thinking, hoping, and wishing things could have been different. but they’re not. and i’m just going to have to live with that…

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    One Response to the truth is…

    1. Is the dude married?
      November 12, 2014 at 12:36 am

      If he is, then you have to let it go. Find your self worth again. He is not worth thinking about for one day, yet alone 3 years. It is an obsession, plain and simple. You should seek counseling if you feel you need psychiatric guidance with this. There is also a lot of helpful material online (I.e: http://www.carmenharra.com/articles/obsessedwithone.html). And if you have the desire to let go and move on you can.

      If he is not married or in a serious relationship then this is much more understandable, but still unhealthy. I have experienced something very similar myself. You really need to try to communicate with him and get out what is eating you up. It may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but it is what you need to move on. Not everything is always as it seems and you might be surprised what you find out if you open up. Your regret of never being able to is one of the main things holding you back from moving on. Best of luck!



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