• One of your best friends, you said…

    by  • November 11, 2014 • To You • 0 Comments

    Maybe if I had honestly opened up that day I started crying in the car this would be a completely different story and I wouldn’t be on this site writing a letter I could never send to you. Even though I kind of want to. Maybe when I get more confidence in myself to do it I will, but I always think of maybe you’ll read it and get angry, or just yell …or…I don’t even know… What I do know, is we used to be so close… We would go horse back riding every single chance we had, you taught me how to ride a horse. I learned on the most stubborn horse who would love to side trot when I would try to turn her a way she didn’t want to go. It was terrifying. I’ve never held through with something, I have a habit of giving up (probably why I’m here…) But you encouraged me and I was an okay rider. Definitely not show worthy, but trail worthy… And that was the most fun part of it. You taught me the difference with trot, canter, gallop…You even tried to teach me the difference in the breeds. I never did quite get it. I understood I had an Appaloosa/Arabian and you had a Paint..mix.(I still don’t remember the cross …lol) I remember I was so afraid when I first got on her. I almost cried, and all we did was you had me walk her in a circle, and stop at a line. I was terrified. Hell, the first time I actually sat on her I sat down too fast and too hard, so she reared. I held on, I didn’t fall off! But it was terrifying. You never let me give up on anything. You were there for me when I needed you. I’ve never had a friend support me the way you used to. You used to always be honest with me…I never really had a true friend, but you were… Learning to ride was just the icing on the cake… You gave me a confidence I never knew I had… You knew how much of an introverted, sheltered kid I was…Am. Yet you always pushed me, you pushed me to be the best, and if I wasn’t the best, it was fine, because I tried… I’ve always been too hard on myself, if I don’t get it perfect, or if it doesn’t go right the first time I tend to give up… But you didn’t let me. You told me to suck it up. It was something I needed to hear from someone, but not in a ….douchey way. I was too shy to really try anything or to go anywhere. Shit, I trusted you to dye my hair. It turned out great, but I never dyed it before, so it was terrifying…but you did it and it was awesome… It seemed like our friendship was the dimmer light switch… Turned all the way up, we were always there, then…A new friend, you hung out with her more… And that was fine, I wasn’t going say anything to make you feel like I was overly jealous…Maybe I was jealous… We almost completely stopped talking except for work the occasional horse ride… One day I broke down, you tried to get me to tell you what was wrong… But I didn’t want to say, I don’t feel like your friend anymore… When we hung out we hardly spoke, at work even our co-workers noticed the decline of our closeness… You told me that you had three people you could really call your bestfriend…And that I was one of them… I understand we can’t always talk, I understand life gets in the way and people lose touch… But this is different. I felt like you didn’t like me as your boss,because I was the first GM to actually try and follow the rules set in place by the owners, unlike the past few before me. I made sure to not do special treatment. I noticed you said it was all good, but it wasn’t. When you first came back, you said I missed you!…I said nothing. I felt like you just…traded the old in for the new until the new screwed you over… In that time you came back…You and her grew close. (Not the same as the other one…) This girl… and you know the situation that I mean, I don’t even need to write that part out… You even said, it looked like it was him that did it. That you would have been pissed too and come to the same conclusion. And you said you understood when I said, it might not be him, but all the signs point in his direction. You told me that she got a text from him, and asked me not to tell anyone because you didn’t want her to get mad at you. So I didn’t, but I told you I would tell the cop. And I did. SHE told her aunt about it, and then it blew from there… So maybe that’s why, because you think I went behind you… I don’t know… Maybe it’s because I’m a b*tch… That is what you said when you decided not to show up to your shift, bringing her back with you… So maybe it’s just me… Maybe I just f*cking suck… But you turned your back on me……. I don’t know… This whole thing doesn’t make any sense… Which is why I won’t send it to you… It’s all over the place, and makes it sound like it’s all you… I have someone to blame, but you two are friends. You would talk to me until she came into the picture. She was the one talking shit to her entire family, even telling her brother to choose me or her. “Family or love.” She didn’t get kicked out, by the way. She was told he wasn’t welcomed in the home, so she walked and said if he’s not, she’s not. She just told you that her mom kicked her out. The same way she told everyone at work that her mom was a bitch, her husband was a golddigger.. radda radda. And yeah, her mother did find out what she said about her. I told her brother. Because I am engaged to him. And yeah, he’s the son to say hell no and tell his mom what his little sister is saying, and he did confront her, she just played victim. Always the victim… You seemed to have bought that… I don’t know if you two are still friends…I really don’t know… I really don’t care. That girl can say whatever the hell she wants about me… I just never thought you would believe her… Because you KNOW ME. YOU F*CKING KNOW ME. I feel so hurt that you seem to believe her side, without once hearing mine… I know we grew apart, but I thought I was one of your best friends!… But it seemed you replaced me with her, again…Out with the old…In with the new… I just wanted you to atleast talk to me again. Yes, I was pissed when you quit. Not because you quit, but how… Not even forewarning me… I get it. I scheduled you the best I could, and covered your shifts the best I could… I’m sorry how I responded when the cover to your shift told me she couldn’t make it, but I felt it was then your responsibility to find another person to cover, or to come in. I’m sorry that that pushed you to quit… I didn’t respond to your other text because again, I was pissed… And I didn’t want to make the situation worse… but I guess not responding made it worse, and you knew I was still learning the GM role… I was only 18… I was not perfect at the position, that’s why I told you when you came back to please be patient with me… So maybe the entire you and I thing IS my fault… but I do know she didn’t help the situation, when you let her live with you when she was ‘kicked out’….I knew then, after all her little attempts to start fights with me over texts, that she would make her own side of the story, and you would believe it… You didn’t want her to get mad at you for telling me what you did… But you didn’t care one ounce about losing our friendship… Or so it seemed… You have a good public face.. and by that I mean… The parade, you smiled at me… the toothy smile…Made me think maybe it was all good…But… I don’t know…and maybe you hating me is in my head because she has already tried turning my now fiance against me… I don’t…Know…I just know that I want my best friend back… Screw whatever her opinion is of me… I just want to be able to message you and hang out…and go riding, especially now that you have your own farm… But I’m too afraid that you hate me now… …. I don’t even want to talk about THAT situation with her and him. I don’t. I don’t care… It just hurts… That’s all I know…It is probably just me… my fault.. or in my head… but either way… I miss the friend who gave me my confidence…Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have my fiance… I just miss my best friend…

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